LAUGH LINES


Heard a good funny Maltese one lately? Jokes, limericks, one-liners with a Maltese or Gozitan slant are most welcome. E-mail submissions to Grazio. Please put 'Humor' on Subject line.

WARNING: This section is not for the hypersensitive &/or deficient in a sense of humor nor for persons who are easily offended by politically incorrect material. If you are this type of person, please EXIT now.

PARENTS: some of the following jokes may not be suitable reading for children.





Three women from Valletta were talking over a coffee at the Premier about their love lives...
Phyllis said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
Michelle said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
Katie said, "Mine is like an old VW. It needs a hand start, and I have to jump on while it's still going."
Three sailors stopped in Malta for 3 day shore leave after 9 months on the water without seeing a woman for a while.Having nothing on their mind but women, they decided to visit Strada Stretta in the city but they had a bit of a problem, one had 10 Pounds,one had 20 Pounds and the other had 30 Pounds.

Anyway they pushed the guy with 10 Pounds in first and the job was done in 10 minutes. When he came out his mates ran up to him asking what he got, and the he said " It was worth every minute of it mate!!.She played with my Dick for 5 minutes and then she slipped a Pineapple ring around it and ate it off.!"

The guy with 20 Pounds went in and was out after 15 minutes. His mate with 30 Pounds eagerly asked him what he got, and he replied, " Mate, what an experience!!. She played with my old fellow for a while then she slipped 2 Pineapple rings around it and ate them off."

The last one did not waste any time and went in, but he was out after 7 minutes. His mates ran up to him asking why he was out in such a short time. And he replied," I got my money's worth, she played with my donger for a while then she slipped 3 Pineapple rings around it, filled the gaps with whipped cream and topped it up with a cherry, it looked so good I ate it myself."

(Submitted by David Buttigieg)


A teacher at an English school in Sliema notices that little Johnny, at the back of the class, is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.

The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.

"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she'd come and pick me up from school."


L-istorja ta' Leli u r-rizzi wara l-mawra tieghu l-Munxar!
(Bid-djalett Zejtuni:-)!

Dmewh sa xerred imme bid-dehk....

Rizzi gebt bumli xkura tal-patuta tal-25 kilo,emminni gebt iktar minn 50 jew 60 tuzzuna,kijf wasalt il-munxur kienu kwuzii s-sitte u nofs u kijf nizzelt saqajja ga l-ilme hessejt qalbi bejn snieni daqs kemm kien kieseh,imme minhebbe it-tifle ma qaght inqijs xejn u ntfajt,mite gejt biex nitla l-ixkura kienet tqila wesq u emmini ma batajtx narfa l-vura l-kbire milli dik l-ixkura rizzi, spallti taqqbitili kullha. Is-sabijha hi dijn,xhijn il-mara rut duk ir-rizzi kullu ceplet lit-tifle u lil mara tat-tifel,insumma f`inqas minn kwarta kienu id-dur,is-sultu nhur ta`Hedd taghmilli l-brudu u mghamlitewx ghax qaltli nieklu ir-rizzi,biex ma noqghodx intawwal kif suru l-hdux u nofs qbadt inkissru u kien mimli ta bully,jien inkisser u hume jieklu u ma hellewlejx wahde u kelli nikkuntente bicce hops bit-tonn taz-zejt, xejn ma ddispjecini tu ghax fteht zewg fliexken inbit Psaila made qabbat il-pipe u kont qisni l-genne minbarra l-ugijh ta`spallti...

Toghbok sijap dijn l-isturja?

(Leli ta' Keterin)


I swear this happened at a private clinic in the Sliema area.

Dr. Fenech-BuTigieg was so smitten with his lovely if naive young Irish patient, that he just knew he had to have her. Telling her that he needed to take her temperature, he took his dick in hand and slipped it inside her. Just then, her boy friend walked in. "Hey!" he yelled. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor muttered, "Taking your sick wife's temperature, of course." The girl's boy friend grabbed a scalpel from the cabinet. "Okay, Fenech," he said. "But when you pull that thing out, there damn well better be numbers on it!"

(Marco-jo)


Femina quaedam Florianensis in mortem obit et ad portas caelorum advenit ubi Sanctus Petrus ei salvam esse dicit et per saecula saeculorum in paradisum futuram esse.

"Nunc, mi filia," ait Petrus postquam nomen eius in libro caelesti scripsit, "habesne aliquid desiderium?"
"Ita," respondet femina, "maritum meum Alfredum re vera denuo videre cupio!"
"Videamus nunc," ait Petrus, "utrum Alfredus noster apud beatos in caelo est vel non," et incipit in libris caelestibus nomen mariti eius quaerere.
"Hmm, res aliquantula mirabilis," inquit Petrus posteaquam nomen ibi non invenit. "Sed Indices Speciales habemus, et fortasse illic eum inveniam." Sed neque ibi nomen repperit, et paulo tristis Petrus nunc Diabolum per telephonium cellularium vocat et eum rogat utrum Alfredus apud damnatos esse.
"Minime!" ait Lucifer, "et in libris generalibus et in specialibus iam inspexi et nusquam Alfredum tuum invenire possum, mi Petre!"

Nunc est Petrus re vera perturbatus et denuo ad feminam accedit et eam rogat quid maritus eius cum vixisset fecerat.

"Per viginti quinque annos," respondet femina, "Alfredus meus exactor vectigalium fuit."
"Eheu!" clamat Petrus, "nunc mysterium enodare possum, mea filia, quia nothi furciferique illi nullam animam habent!!"


Tlett irgiel fuq il-Monti kienu qed jiddiskutu x'se jaghtu lil mara bhala rigal tal-milied.

L-ewwel wiehel qallhom li se jaghtiha gizirana tad-djamanti u xall. L-ohrajn staqsewh "Xall ukoll? ghaliex?"
Wegibhom, "Biex jekk ma' toghgobhiex il-gizirana tilbes ix-xall fuqha!"

It-tieni wiehed qallhom li se jaghtiha brazzuletta tad-deheb u par ingwanti. U l-ohrajn staqsewh "Par ingwanti? ghalfejn?"
U l-iehor wegibhom, "biex jekk ma' toghgobhiex il-brazzuletta, fil-kas tilbes l-ingwanti fuqha!"

It-tielet wiehed qallhom li se jaghtiha kappell u vibrator. L-ohrajn staqsewh "VIBRATOR?????"
"Iva," wegibhom, "Vibrator..biex jekk ma' joghgobhiex il-kappell fil-kas tmur tinhexa!!"

(Pastazuna minn ?!)


B'idejha fil-borma u bl-ohra thokk sorma,
Cetta tad-dudu.

Hudulha ritratt bil-hwejjeg ta' taht,
Cetta tad-dudu.

Lestulha tebut, ha tfittex itmut,
Cetta tad-dudu.

????!!!!:-)


Fekruna riedet tara film pornografiku u marret go Cinema gewwa il-Belt. Izda tal-bieb qallha: 'Le inti ma tistax tidhol hawn ghaliex hawnhekk hniezer biss jidhlu!'
Il-fekruna kif semghet hekk harget barra tibki u tolfoq. Hekk kif kienet qieghda tibki inzerta ragel diehel gewwa ic-Cinema u staqsiha x'gara. Hekk kif semgha x'kienet il-problema dan qallha:'Tinkwieta xejn, issa ndahhlek mieghi.'
Dan fil-pront fetah iz-zipp tal-qalziet, dahhal il-fekruna hemm, u mar gewwa ic-Cinema. Hekk kif pogga bil-qieghda, dan fetah iz-zipp tal-qalziet u l-fekruna harget biex tara l-film.
Mela bil-qieghda hdejn dan ir-ragel poggiet tfajla u n-namrat taghha. Din it-tfajla f'nofs il-film qalet lil mahbub, Gann, dan li hawn bil-qieghda hdejja, qieghed bih barra. Fil-pront qabez Ganni u qallha: 'U ghaliex dan l-ghageb kollu? Tieghi mhux ukoll qieghed barra?'
'Iva qaltlu t-tfalja, imma d-differenza hi li tieghek mhuwiex jikolli it-Twistees!'

(Ta' Frankfurt!?:-)


A highway patrolman was astonished to see a car speeding along on the Mellieha highway.
Glancing at the car he was astonished to see a blond behind the wheel was knitting. The Trooper saw this, cranked down his window and yelled......
"PULL OVER"
"NO."yelled the blond " SCARF"
Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa at a nursing home in Hamrun. "How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. "I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister.

"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."


C'est un gars Francais qui habite seul a Sliema avec un perroquet depuis peu de temps.

D'un côté, il a de la chance, parce que son perroquet est très prolixe: Il n'arrête pas de parler.

D'un autre côté, il est vraiment embêté, car tous les mots qui sortent du bec du perroquet ne sont que jurons et vulgarités.

Un jour, l'homme en a plus qu'assez. Il attrape son perroquet à la gorge, le secoue très fort et lui hurle "ARRÊTE AVEC TES JURONS".

Malheureusement, cela ne fait qu'exciter le perroquet qui se met à jurer de plus belle.

Alors le gars prend l'oiseau et l'enferme dans un placard.

Mais là encore, ça ne fait qu'énerver son perroquet qui lui balance un monceau d'insanités.

Alors le gars est tellement hors de lui qu'il prend le perroquet et l'enferme dans le réfrigérateur. Et là comme par miracle, le perroquet se calme.

Au bout de quelques minutes, le gars ressort son perroquet du frigo...

Calmement, le perroquet monte sur son bras et dit: "Je suis terriblement désolé pour tous les désagréments que je vous ai causés."

Le gars n'en revient pas. Son perroquet est totalement transformé...

C'est à ce moment là que le perroquet ajoute:
"Juste pour savoir, qu'est-ce que le poulet avait fait?"


Three men were having a sauna. A japanese, an American and the famous Maltese (from Hararawn:-). The phone starts ringing and the japanese guy presses his thumb and forefinger together and starts gibbering away in Japanese. The others look at him in wonder and ask him what on earth he is doing. The Jap says that he got a telephone chip installed in his fingers tips ..and that was what he called Japanese technology.

The phone starts ringing again and the American guy presses his molar tooth and starts chatting away. The others look at him bewildered and ask him what is going on. He says..well guys..my phone is implanted in my teeth and when I'm in the Sauna I can be free to talk..and that's the latest american technology.

..and for the third time the phone rings again. This time, the Maltese guy, gets up, squats in a corner, and starts pushing and panting. The others got offened at this since they thought that he was going to defecate right in the sauna, and they told him, hey, where do you think you are? This is a sauna and not a public convenience. Please go and crap elsewhere. To this the Maltese replied "Wait a moment because a fax is coming out! And that is Maltese technology!!"

(Globetrotter Zejtunija)


Mela...Omm zejtunija marret izzur lil bintha li kienet ghadha kif izzewget. Sabitha gharwiena huta u l-omm li xejn ma hadet gost b'din il-merhba staqsiet lil bintha ghaliex kienet qieghda tilqaghha b'dan il-mod daqshekk sfaccat. Il-bint, minghajr m'nkwetat xejn irrispondietha..ghaliex irrid nilqa lil zewgi bil-libsa tat-twelid.

L-omm bhal speci ghogbitha l-idea u x'hin marret id-dar iddecidiet li taghmel l-istess bhal bintha. F'kemm ili nghidlek nezghet kollox u qaghdet bis-sabar kollu tistenna lil zewgha jasal lura d-dar.

X'hin wasal ir-ragel id-dar xejn ma skanta kif sab lil martu minghajr ilbies u staqsieha x'gara. Din wegbithu li riedet tistennieh bil- libsa tat-twelid. Ir-ragel pront pront wegibha.."stajt almenu ghaddejtha"

(Eine Zeitunische Weltbummlerin)


Two blondes from Sliema were flying to London from Luqa. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, 'One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left.'

Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.'

An hour later the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.'

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, 'If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.'


What did the new President of Malta say to the outgoing one?
"U go... Guido io"
Two nuns of "The Immaculate... " in Sliema are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock thedoor of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

"Nice paint color", says the man, "Where do you want me to put the blinds?".


		IL-POEMA TA' DUN PAWL CASHA MULA


		Katarina ta' l-imtiehen
		f'nofs ta lejl hassitu diehel
		qaltli "Pawlu dan xi jkun?
		filli rieqed filli jqum?"

		Jien ghidt "dak l-arblu tar-razza
		ittih tnejn u tilma tazza
		dik persuntu tpaxxi l-ghajnejn
		nitfaghhulek naqsmek tnejn"

		Qaltli "pawlu nixtieq nipprova
		imma fih riha ta ncova"
		jien ghidtilha "lanqas jimporta,
		kemm int kerha qishek torta"

		"Ejja Pawl dahhlu sal-bajd
		halli ndur dahri mal-hajt
		imma skossja u tini pjacir
		halli nhossa m'oxxi ttir"

		"ahh Katrina x'gost ittini,
		qed inhossa ser tigini,
		kemm inhossni ferjan,
		anki zobbi sar arqan"

		"Anki int ragel tal genn,
		x'ras ghandu ostja man!
		u kif gibtli oxxi hara
		inti veru ttiha gost mara"

		"Katarina !! wasslet sewwa
		x'gost qed niehu ndahhlu gewwa
		ara gejja ha ntajjara,
		u ma halqek infarfara"

		"Iftah halqek ha tilqa kollox
		erdaghhuli bil-bajd b'kollox.
		ghandek ragun tghid li hu kbir
		ghax flok tazza mlejt barmil"

		"Grazzi Katarina, tassew fik gost
		toqghodx tghid kemm jiena tost
		nergghu niltaqghu bhal-lum 8'ijiem
		ha nerdghalek kullimkien"

		"Iva Pawl, halli f'idejja
		niehdu nejka bhal tal-lejla
		izda qabel iddahhlu gewwa,
		jekk joghgbok, tista tahslu sewwa?"


		(#$%@^!?? :-)

Dal-Hamruniz, jismu Pawlu Mifsud, kien jghix wahdu hu u l-kelb, Fabju. Wara hafna snin flimkien, il-kelb miet. Pawlu difen il-kelb fil-gnien u mar ghand il-Kappillan.

"Dun, il-kelb ghaziz tieghi, Fabju hallina, miskin. Tista’ taghmilli quddiesa ghalih?"

Il-Kappillan skantat, wiegeb: "Jiddispjacini Pawl bil-mewt tal-kelb tieghek. Imma sfortunament ma nistghux naghmlu quddies ghall-annimali fil-knisja. Pero’ jekk titla’ sal-Belt, hemm knisja protestanta u ghandu mnejn jaghmlulek xi haga."

"Immur issa stess" wiegeb Pawlu, "Tahseb li mitt lira ikunu bizzejjed ghas-servizz?"

Minnufih il-Kappillan: "Ghax m’ghidtlix li l-kelb kien Kattolku?!"


I swear this actually happened at a bus stage in Sliema. The protagonists were two tourists: a young English lady and a big American guy from Texas.

On a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

(Il-Kanadiza)


This elderly gentleman from Floriana was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to the Little Sisters of the Poor nursing home in Hamrun.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a young nun had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nun ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the sister ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the sister strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, these nuns won't let me fart."


A young British couple were married, and celebrated their first night together at the Clypso Hotel In Marsalforn, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"


Zewg dubbiniet Zabbarin bilqeghda paxxuti fuq hmieg ta' kelb! Wahda titlaq bassa... L-ohra imqazza titkaza biha: "Jekk joghgbok, ftit manjeri... mhux qed tarani niekol? Gharukaza!......"
A husband & wife from Valletta were walking down the Merchants' Street. The wife noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Her husband said, "Let me look." So she handed him the compact. The husband looked in the mirror then turned to his wife saying, "You dumbass! that's *me*!
What nurses report overhearing in the operating room at a hospital in Malta. I am NOT making this up!!!

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again...
Ya' know...there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

(Ners Karkariza)


How does the parish priest at M'xlokk make Holy Water?
He boils the hell out of it!
Ghaliex is-sriep ma jigdmux lil-avukati?!
Kortezija professjonali!
Kont qed nitkellem ma' dal-qassis mill-Hamrun. Saqsejtu jekk hemmx xi qaddis Malti!
"Mela le? Ahna l-Maltin, ilhu hafna li ghandna qaddis. U famus hafna! Jismu "San Fottik"
This American tourist wakes up in the morning at a hotel in Bugibba. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.

He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have i done? Must have been a wild party".

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "If there's a God, please let this be a teabag"


Carmelus Zejtunensis et mulier, Maria, qui sese iam magis quam quinquaginta annos in matrimonio conjuncti erant aliquando ientaculum edebant cum vir suae uxori dicit: Aspice mea mellis, mox quinquagesimum primum anniversarium matrimonii nostri celebrabimus!.

Cui uxor: Ita est deliciae meae, et tantum abhinc quinquaginta annos hic quoque sedebamus et sicut hodie ientaculo fruebamur.

"Bene scio," ait vetus, "et sine dubio illo tempore et nudi eramus et amore usti"

Cui uxor: Eheu, mellitus meus, cur non ipsa facimus et denuo nos denudamus?

Et sic cito subridentesque vetus ac vetula sibi vestimentas detraxerunt et more Adae et Evae ad tabulam iterum sederunt.

Fere exanimata et passione anhelans dicit uxor suo marito: Dulcissime, nemo negare potest quin vetula sit, sed urunt meae papillae tam fervide quam quinquaginta annos abhinc.

"Non miror, mea lux," respondet senex, "quia iam mamillam unam in caffea alteramque in avena immersisti!!"


A crusty old English man walks into a branch of a Valletta bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won 40 million pounds in this damn UK lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"


Omm: "X'qal missierek meta ghidtlu li int tinsab tqila?"
Tifla: "Tridni nhalli d-daghwiet u l-kliem hazin?"
Omm: "Naturalmet!"
Tifla: "Xejn."
Two old American ladies from the Midwest were waiting for a bus at Blata l-Bajda and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a great idea! What is that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived in Valletta, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

(Njujorkiz)


Haec facetia verisillima est! Accidit revera in schola Zabbariensi.

Iuvenis doctrix quae scholas habebat in academia quadam dixit in principio suis discipulis res quae necessariae essent ad cursum bene solvendum. "Primum probationem scriptam facietis," inquit illa, "deinde opusculum quinquaginta paginarum aut amplius scribendum est. Et re vera si hoc opusculum non scribetis cursum non solvetis. Nullam excusationem accipiam nisi duas, (a) si gravi morbo aflicti eritis--quod medicus confirmare debet, et (b) si aut pater aut mater aut frater sororve animam efflent".

Ut adsolet discipulus quidam qui se sapientem esse jactabat iuvenem doctricem rogat utrum tertiam excusationem tam validam quam antedictas non accipiendam esse, id est, cum discipulus omnino defessus esse permagnae exercitationis sexualis causa?

Post discipuli omnes riserant purgavit iuvenis doctrix gutturem et subridens hoc modo respondit: "Nunc mi iuvencule, si hoc tibi accideat igitur opusculum altera debebis manu scribere!"


Dan ir-Rabti ried jixtri pappagall. Mar f'hanut ta' l-ghasafar. Il-bejjiegh urih wiehed li suppost kien eccezzjonali ghax kien jaf jitkellem b'hafna lingwi. Ir-Rabti mghaggeb u msahhar beda jsaqsi lill-pappagall:

-- Tu parles Francais?
-- Oui!
-- Do you speak English?
-- Of course!
-- Y espanol?
-- Como no!
-- Und Yiddish?
-- Nu? Mit ein solche Nase, was denkst du!?
-- U bil-Multi?
-- Mur hudu f'sor......

This young priest fresh from the Seminary at Tal-Virtu', gets sent to save souls at a tough downtown area. The first time he goes out, this hooker yells: "Hey Father, want a little head? Thirty liri and I'll take you to heaven."
Naive guy! He gets back to the parish church; he asks a couple of sisters: "Hey sisters, what is head?"
They reply: "Thirty liri same as downtown!"

This other priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says: "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks her if he can kiss her. She replies: "Well, allright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

Ghaliex Alla halaq lil Adam l-ewwel?
Halli jkun jista jiftah halqu u jghid xi haga qabel ma titfacca Eva.

X'qal Alla wara li Eva hadet l-ewwel banju fil-bahar?
Haqq ix-xjaten... issa qatt ma se jirnexxili nnehhi dik ir-rieha mill-hut!

(Hamruniz)


A lady approaches a priest at a Sliema restaurant and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to the rectory and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Oh Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Our prayers have been answered!!!"

(Pappagall)


A wealthy gentleman from Sliema met a beautiful young Swedish girl at Ghar id-Dud. He took her to his lavish home at Bugibba where he soon dicovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,"Oh Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstacy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

" On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

(Hamruniz)


Pullu u l-Kappillan

Jghidu li hafna snin ilu, fir-rahal zghir ta Hal Safi, il kapillan kien kburi li il parrokkjani kienu kolla nies ta mgieba ezemplari, hlief Pullu il kaccatur, li ghall kull haga ta xejn tisimighu jitkellem baxx kif gie gie. Ghal xejn kien iwissih u jippriedka, ghax Pullu lanqas biss tghaddi siegha li tisimghu iffajjar xi "Haqq ghaz-zobb!"

Darba minnhom il kapillan stieden lil Pullu biex imorru ghall kacca flimkien, bil hsieb li jigbidlu l-attenzjoni u jsikktu ma kull wahda li jzarrat forsi fl-ahhar idarrih.

Ftit hin wara li waslu fl-ghalqa, jaraw ghasfur ghaddej fl-gholi, Pullu jiehu il mira u jfaqqalu zewg tiri.....ghall xejn....

"Haqq ghaz zobb, ma lqattux!!!" Zarrata Pullu ...... Il kappillan kien lest jaqbez fuqu w siktu. " Da xi kliem hu Pull? Ara kif titkellem ghax hazin ikun ghalik!."

Ma lahqitx ghaddiet siegha li ma jarawx ghasfur iehor...... rega ha l-mira.... zewg tiri..... ghall xejn " Ara haqq ghaz zobb, ma lqattux!!!" Rega fajjara Pullu bla ma hasibha darbtejn.

Hawnhekk il kapillan bdiet taqbizlu .... "PULLU! Ga wissejtek darba.... mhux se nerga nsikktek darb'ohra !! Jekk terga tizgarra nitlob l-Alla jtik li haqqek!!"

Pullu ma tantx ta kasu; kien jaf li l-kappillan daqsxejn ifissat izzejjed. Ftit hin wara, jaraw ghasfur iehor ghaddej jigri bhall lehha ta berqa, Pullu kien pront u fajjarlu tir...... Imma rega ma laqatx..... "Haqq ghaz zobb ma lqattux!" Regghet harbitlu Pullu.

Hawnhekk il kappillan intilef..... nizel gharkubbtejh u beda jitlob biex Pullu jiehu li haqqu. F'daqqa wahda telgha shab griz iswed, u minn shaba baxxa hafna faqqghet sajjetta kbira, laqtet lil povru kappillan u ghamlitu rmiet. Pullu baqa mbikkem meta sema lehen mis shaba jidwi " HAQQ GHAZ ZOBB MA LQATTUX!!!!!"

(IRC - SQUALO)


John and Mary visit their archpriest in Sliema for marriage counseling.

The archpriest gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second and third time and then turns to John and says:

"See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!"

John replies, "Well, that's fine, Father. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

(Mr. Bite:-)



Mela f'zoo gewwa l-Indja kien hemm Gorilla li kull meta tara n-nies gejjin jarawha kienet iddur u ttihom daharha, u qatt ma sabu tarfha ghax dejjem baqghet taghmel hekk. Mela haga ta' l-iskantament meta kien ghadu prim ministru Eddie, u mar izur l-Indja u ghalhekk mar biex izur dan iz-zoo, din il-gorilla kif semghet li gej Eddie jaraha, din mill-ewwel daret u flok taghtu daharha tatu wiccha. X'hin temm iz-zjara tieghu fiz-zoo Eddie, din regghet bdiet taghti daharha lil nies ohra li gew izuruha wara. Kif dik il-gurnata wasal il-hin li z-zoo jaghlaq dawk li marru biex jitimghu lil din il-gorilla saqsewha ghaliex lil kulhadd taghtu daharha waqt li lil Eddie taghtu wicca. Din fil-pront qaltilhom: " Mela ma smajtux li dan hexa lil Malta f'sormha u ghalhekk bzajt li jaghmel l-istess lili u jahxini f'sormi ukoll.

(George L-Ahmar)
Peress li l-elezzjoni qieghda wara l-bieb ...

Zewgt irgiel (li ma kienux jafu l'xulxin) kienu qeghdin jitkellmu fuq l-elezzjoni.

Ragel1 : Allura sieheb , lil min ser taghti l-vot tieghek din id-darba?

Ragel2 : M'hemm l'ebda dubju , jien ser nivvota Nazzjonalisti. U ghax wara kollox hemm certu tradizzjoni fil-familja ... Missieri kien Nazzjonalist u nannuwi wkoll ...

Ragel1 (li mid-dehra kien Laburist u ried jikkonvincieh jivvota Labour): Skuzani imma x'ragunament hu dan ? Allura jekk nannuk kien halliel u missierek ukoll int x'kont taghmel ?

Ragel2 : F'dak il-kaz kont nivvota Labour !!

(Il-Chisya)


IL-MINISTRU TAT-TRASPORT U L-MAJJAL (din ukoll vera)
L-onorevoli Joe Debono Grech kien ghaddej f'karrozza bix-xufier l-Imqabba. Ix-xufier kien naqra ghaljenat jisma l-onorevoli jonfoh u jgorr fuq in-nuqqas ta' importanza li l-gvern qed jaghti lill-ministeru tieghu. F'salt wiehed ix-xufier jzomm brejk qawwi. Tard wisq induna b'majjal f'nofs it-triq . Ix-xufier hareg mill-karozza, izda l-majjal kien mejjet.
"Mur skuza ruhek mas-sid tar-razzett," qallu l-onorevoli, "ara ma jfettillekx tghid li t-tort taghna!"
Ix-xufier dahal gewwa r-razzett u wara siegha u nofs hareg. L-onorevoli beda jghajjat max-xufier ghax zammu siegha u nofs fil-karrozza jxomm l-irwejjah tad-demel.
"Mhux tort tieghi onorevoli. L-ewwel, il-bidwi hadli b'idejja, offrieli erbgha birra. Il-mara tieghu gabitli pudina, u tifla tieghu ma waqfitx tbusni u tghannaqni!!" spjegalu x-xufier.
"Mela x'ghedtilhom," staqsa l-ministru imhawwad.
Ix-xufier wiegeb, "Xejn onorevoli, ghidtilhom li kont ix-xufier tieghek u li ghadni kif qtilt il-majjal!!!"

--------------------

L-arlogg ta' Montalto (temnuni jekk nghidilkom li din ukoll vera)
Il-mara ta' l-onorevoli ministru John Attard Montalto mietet u teghlet il-genna.
San Pietru mar jilqaghha mal-bieb. Kellu hafna xoghol x'jaghmel, kafe' x'jixrob u talb x'jitlob.
Ghaldaqstant talabha tpoggi daqsxejn bil-qieghda ghal ftit mumenti sakemm jispicca ix-xoghol urgenti (il-kafe').
Is-sinjura obdit lil San Pietru u bdit thares madwarha b'kurzita kbira. Rat hajt enormi li ma jibda u jispicca mkien, u fuq dan il-hajt hemm miljuni fuq miljuni ta' arloggi. Wara ftit tinduna li xi drabi ftit minn dawn l-arloggi jaqbzu 15 il-minuta il-quddiem.
Meta jasal San Pietru mill-ewwel issaqsih ghaliex dawk l-arloggi kollha. San Pietru bil-pacenzja kollha spjegalha li kull arlogg huwa ragel mizzewweg li qed jghix fid-dinja.
Hi dlonk isaqsih, "Izda ghaliex kultant ikun hemm min jaqbez kwarta 'l quddiem?"
"Dak ifisser li r-ragel li ghandu l-arlogg mwahhal hawn fuq, ikun ghadu kif qalibha lil martu ma mara ohra.
"Tista tghidli fejn qieghed l-arlogg tar-ragel tieghi?" saqsietu hi.
"Ma tarax li tlabt l-impossibli." qal Pietru," L-arlogg tieghu qieghed ghand Alla.....bhalissa is-sajf , qieghed juzah bhala fann........"

-------------

Il-"Puppies" ta' Fredu ( din veru grat... smajtha jien!!)
Fredu Sant, il-prim, jiddeciedi biex jidhol xoghol il-Hadd filghodu (lit-tifla jghidilha li mar il-quddies). Izda qabel, jaqbez qabza ta' malajr il-monti (biex jara x'hemm gdid fil-moda tal-parokki).
Ikun hemm tifel li qed ibiegh skoss 'puppies'. Iwaqqaf lil Fredu u jsaqsih "L-onorevoli Prim Ministru jixtieq jixtri 'puppy' ghat-tifla simpatika li ghandu?".
Il-prim jieqaf, "Ghandna qattus, le grazzi."
It-tifel jinsisti, "Izda dawn il-'puppies' Laburisti, onorevoli" Il-prim jitbissem b'dik it-tbissima ta' anglu (!!) u jerga jghidlu,"LE".
Il-gimgha ta' wara,il-prim jerga jaghmel l-istess bhal Hadd ta' qabel. Waqt li qieghed idur, kumbinazzjoni jerga jisma l-istess tifel jipprova jbiegh l-istess 'puppies' lil xi hadd iehor.
"Sinjura dawn il-'puppies' intelligenti hafna....dawn 'puppies' nazzjonalisti....."
Il-prim ma felahx jisma dan, waqaf u staqsa lit-tifel, "Il-gimgha l-ohra ghedtli li dawk il-'puppies' laburisti..." "Ghax onorevoli", kompla t-tifel, "mill-gimgha l-ohra 'l hawn il-'puppies' fethu ghajnejhom !!!!"

-----------------

Leo, Leo ( ovvja li veru din...)
Darba, xi ftit xhur ilu, kien ghaddej min fejn il-qorti Leo Brincat, il-ministru tal-finanzi.
Kienu ghal habta tal-ghaxra wara seduta importanti. Iwaqqfuh 3 qhab sbieh, wahda bjonda, ohra xaghra iswed u l-ohra xaghra ahmar.
"Onorevoli wara seduta xoghol iebes, zgur tixtieq ftit relaks. Xi tghid kieku morru niehdu 'good time somewhere'", tghidlu l-bjonda (kienet taf li hu minn Sant Andru u tefatlu ftit pe'pe').
Hawnhekk in-nuccali beda jittappan, u Leo beda jithajjar. Sant Andru bhal dawn m'hemmx.
"Sorry miss, how much... ghal siegha", qallha l-onorevoli. "Ghalik mitt lira", wiegbet il-bjonda.
Hawnhekk il-ministru tal-finanzi qal bejnu u bejn ruhu "Ahjar ingib quotation tat-tlieta, imbaghad naghzel."
Ta' xaghra iswed qaltlu,"Hamsin lira u dum kemm trid, onorevoli."
Ta' xaghra ahmar qaltlu, "Leo, Leo... jekk inti kapaci tghollili d-dublett daqs kemm ghollejt it-taxxi, tnizzilli l-'panties' daqs kemm nizzilt overtime, igib gismek iebes daqs kemm hi iebsa l-hajja, izommu gholi daqs kemm hu gholi l-ilma, tifridli l-pastizz daqs kemm fridt lil-Maltin, u tahxini bhal ma tahxi l-poplu ...il-prezz ghalik ikun b'xejn !!!"

(M. Ar-Cus J.)
(June 4, 1998)


Mela darba kien hemm Mary u Peter li kienu ilhom mizzewwgin, u kif kulhadd jaf fid-dar dejjem jinqala xi hsara. Kif Peter kien sejjer ix - xoghol Mary marret fuqu u qaltlu li kellhom il-vit tal- kcina jqattar.

Kif sema hekk dar fuqha u qalla, " Mela int hsibtni xi Plumber!!" Hekk kif kien sejjer daret fuqu u qaltlu, "Peter inqatet il-bozza tal-Linfa"

Dlonk dar fuqha u qalla , "Mela hsibtni electician!!"

Fil-hamsa ta` fl-ghaxija Peter gie lura mix- xoghol u jsib il- bozza mibdula u l-vit tal-kcina mibdul.

Peter staqsa lil Mary u din qaltlu, "Mela kien hemm Joe ta` hdejna gie u ghamilhomli miskin. X`hin lesta imbaghad ghidtlu xi jrid tax-xoghol u qalli. 'JEW TAGHMILLI GATEAUX JEW ITTINI NEJKA ??????'

Dlonk Peter kuntent kuntent qalla, "mela int ghamiltlu gateaux????"

Qabzet Mary, u qaltlu, " MELA INT HSIBTNI XI DULCIERA"

(W.M.)



State of the land

The country was in such a terrible state,
Parliament rose for a budget debate,
It was quite a few moments before Alfred spoke
When he said “sex will cost ten quid a poke”

Whether you are short , long or skinny or thick,
The tax will be paid on the use of your prick,
Lino Spiteri said “now Alfred, look here,
Will the tax still be paid for the boys who are queer?

Sciberras Trigona arose looking glum,
“will I be exempt coz I only like bum?”
Alfred replied and sounded quite airy
“You’ll f***ing pay double you dirty old fairy!”

So up stood Eddie to tremendous applause,
He grabbed Helena Dalli, and whipped off her drawers
He straddled across her and f***ed he at will
Then shouted to Alfred “put that on your bill”

Gavin Gulia shouted “I think I’ll resign”
I haven’t had pussy for  a very long time,
I dream every night of a big juicy crotch,
But ten quid a jump is a bit f***ing much

The debate carried on, “oh what a night
Alfred was bonking every woman in sight
The whole house was screwing, the speaker was too
And in the excitement the dumb bill went through

So now in the bedrrroms of Malta each night
There’s many a fanny closed up good and tight
They’re taxing our water, our light and our smokes
And now these same bastards are taxing our pokes

If ten pounds a time is the price we must pay,
It is with ourselves that we no have to play,
So to quench our frustration, we must have a wank
For the state of the country, we have Alfred to thank

(M-Arcus)

A depressed young woman rejected from Medical School was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. When she went down to Pieta, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Syracuse in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. This trip we are going all the way to Genoa, I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
The girl nodded. What did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

A week later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an arrangement with one of the sailors." She explained. "He's taking me to Italy, and every night he came and screwed me." "He sure did lady!" Said the captain. "This is the Gozo ferry"

(JEAN-MARC)


Mananni and Salvu lived on their farm on the outskirts of Birkirkara towards Mosta.

In days of old when Knights were bold .... well, those were the days when Mananni wore this large black dress which exposed only her head, hands and feet! But alas, nothing else was available in her wardrobe. Those were the days when Salvu's favourite pastime was usually after sunset, practising his marriage vows inside that large black dress!

Talking about vows, Mananni had a habit of making frequent vows, mainly to the Madonna of Mellieha. When their thirteenth child survived a serious fever Mananni had vowed to walk barefoot to Mellieha. So one sunny morning off they went Mananni on foot and Salvu on his mule-drawn cart. It was a beastly hot day in July and by the time they reached Victoria Lines, Salvu sheltered under his "rizzi hat", Mananni was feeling the sun beating on her brow like a blow lamp. Having left her "faldetta" behind, her only option was to raise the hem of her dress and bring it over from the back to cover her head. Only as she drew it closer and closer to protect her forehead she unwittingly reavealed a little more than her legs. As Salvu trundled along, bringing up the rear he was rather aghast at the sight of Mananni's bare bottom plodding along ahead. Many saintly soul was thus lured into what seemed to become a pilgrimage to Mellieha. Having survived the trip and the visitation to Our Lady in Mellieha, Salvu and Mananni shared the bumpy cart ride home.

Mananni eventually broke the silence: "see how you call me odd because of my vows; all those people joining us on the route, were they srange too?"
"Not strange at all" said Salvu "all that those were interested in was your wiggling, bare bottom! you only made a fool of yourself, including me"
"WHAT!" said Mananni "and you idiot riding behind me didn't tell me," lashing out at her dumb husband.
"How would I know what vow you made!" blurted Salvu, fending off the blows.

(Marcus)


As was their daily custom, Kelinu met Grezju in the wine bar on the corner of the village square. Over a glass or two of wine they discussed the local scene. Later on in the evening they delved on the problems of precocious youth and lack of Christian values.Peak of the argument became premarital sex. Kelinu stated that he had never slept with his Mari prior to their wedding day.
Grezju remained silent and Kelinu confronted : "what do you have to say for yourself Grezz?"
(it was a time to stand up and be counted)
Grezzju replied: ""well, once you want to know, before you got married I slept with her just twice!"

(M. Ark)


George, from Qormi, was on his way to the Income Tax department all dressed up in his one and only suit. As he walked along Republic street a friend hailed him. On being told where he was going, the friend said: "You must be mad going all dressed up they'll think you're a bloody millionaire and you'll get fucked right away!" So George returned home and got into his dirtiest jeans and work shirt. Again on his way down Republic Street he met another old buddy who told him " you must be an idiot going there with the idea they're idiots, everybody knows you and how well you earn! the minute they see you so scruffily dressed they will suspect something and you'll be fucked good and proper." So George went ho me and arrived simultaneously with his wife. He explained how worried he was because however dressed he went to the Income Tax he was going to get fucked anyway.
The wife said "Reminds me of when we got married"
"Why?" asked George
"Because as I tried out the various silk negligees on the previous day, my Mum told me: don't bother dear, you're going to get fucked anyway, whatever you wear tomorrow!"

(Marco)


Mela kien hemm Alfred Sant u Eddie Fenech Adami fuq helicopter. F'daqqa wahda tinstema spluzjoni u l-helicopter jibda niezel f'daqqa. Il-pilota avzahom li ma setax jikkontrolla il-helicopter u qalilhom li ahjar jibdew jitolbu. Eddie u Fredu mill-ewwel intefghu gharkubtejhom u bdew jitolbu. F'hin minnhom Eddie beda jinstema jidhaq kemm jiflah. Fredu hares lejh mistghageb u qallu:
'Mela inti mignun? Dalwaqt ser immutu u qed tidhaq dan id-dahq kollu!' Imma Eddie kien pront wiegbu:
'Ghax ha nghidlek. Kont qed nitlob u nitkellem m'Alla u qalli li ha jerfaghna minn xagharna!!'

(MOSTIJA)


Overheard in an operating room at a hospital in Malta. I'm not making this up!?:-) Things you never want to hear during surgery.

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call maintenance - we're going to need a mop and bucket.
Come back with that right now! Bad dog, bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that, uh.........thingie.
Where's my Rolex?
Fejn hu l-pastizz tieghi?
Darn, there goes the power again.
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hey, this guy's got two ya know!
Nobody move - I just lost one of my contacts.
Ghax ma tmurx taghtas x'imkien iehor!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's distracting me, big time.
What's THIS doing here?
I hate it when I can't find what I'm looking for!
Min telaq dil-WAHDA!? Pifffff!!!
Well folks, there's always a first time for everything!
This patient already has some kids, right?
Not to worry, I know it's sharp enough.
Nurse, this patient did sign an organ donor card, right?
Crap! Page 47 of this procedure seems to be missing!
(Nurse S798)


Bertu minn Hal-Qormi mar jaghmel zjara ‘l-qraba joqghodu Florida. L-ghada li wasal ried jghum ftit imma haseb li ahjar jiccekkja jekk hemmx alligators.
"Le, m’hawnx gators f’dal-bahar" assigurah Karmnu, l-kunjat, (li ma tantx kellu grazzja ma Bertu).
Allura Bertu gham daqsxejn il-barra qabel ma gietu f’mohhu li jerga’ jiccekkja ftit. "Ejj, Karm, "ghajjat lill-kunjat, "da kif m’hawnx alligators f’dawn l-inhawi?"
"Ghax jibzu mix-sharks," ghajjatlu Karmnu.
-- X’inhi d-differenza bejn basla u kitarra?
-- Hadd ma jxerred dmugh meta taqsam kitarra.
C'est un gars Zurrieqais qui va chez un psychiatre à Valletta et qui dit:
- Docteur, je suis amoureux de mon cheval... Je le désire sexuellement!

Le psy répond:
- Hmmm, je vois ce que c'est. Et votre cheval, c'est un mâle ou une femelle?

- Femelle bien sûr! Vous me prenez pour un pervers ou quoi?!


Mintoff dahal ghand barbier l-Isla u saqsa l-barbier biex jaqtaghlu xahru. L-Barbier minnufih waqaf min dak li kien qed jaghmel, pogga l-Mintoff fuq siggu u t-trimjaghlu l-erba xahariet li fadallu. Wara xi saghtejn, dahal Karmenu u kif rah l-barbier dar fuq in-nies li kienu qed jistennew u saqsihom jekk jimpurtax li Karmenu jaqbez il-Queue. Ovvjament l-hanut kien mimli laburisti u dawn accettaw bla problemi.

Il-povru barbier inqabad bix-xoghol, u f'xis-sitta ta' filghaxija kien ghadu ghaddej bla nifs.Fil-pront dahal Fredu u saqsih jekk jaqtalghux xahru malajr ghax kellu l-parlament. Il-barbier bir-rawgha f'halqu dar fuqu w qallu "Issa z-zejjed kollu zejjed, jekk trid halliha hawn u ghaddi ghaliha wara l-parlament" !!


Deux vieilles Zejtunaises sont assises sur un banc et attendent le bus. Mais le bus est en retard et le temps passe. Au bout d'une heure, une des vieilles se tourne vers l'autre et dit:
- Tu sais, c'est marrant... Ça fait tellement longtemps qu'on est là à attendre assises que j'ai le derrière tout endormi!
Et l'autre se retourne vers elle et répond: - Ouais, je sais! Je l'ai entendu ronfler!
How many Maltese civil servants it takes to change an electric bulb?
-- 45! Forty-four to fill out the required forms and an Ghaxqi to replace the bulb.
"Haga li ma titwemminx grat illum" qalet Mostija lir-ragel wara li dahal mix-xoghol, "l-arlogg pendlu waqa fl-art... kieku waqa ftit wara, ommi kienet tiehdu fuq rasha! Bix-xorti!"
-- "Dak l-arlogg minn dejjem zamm lura... X'hasra!" gerger ir-ragel.
A Maltese ambassador just appointed to a new post in US, informed his 3-yr old daughter that she would soon be making her home in America.
That night when the parents heard her prayers, the little girl started with: "Good-bye dear God, I'm going to America."
Katarina de Rabat est une jardinière amateur. Quelque chose la chagrine: elle a remarqué que les tomates de son voisin, Nikol, grossissent beaucoup plus vite que les siennes. En plus, elles sont beaucoup plus rouges et juteuses...

Un beau jour, elle aborde Nikol qui était en train de désherber et lui demande comment il fait pour avoir d'aussi belles tomates. Le voisin lui répond:
- Ben, je leur donne de l'engrais, je les arrose, et avant de quitter le potager, je baisse mon pantalon et je leur montre mes parties génitales... ça a l'air de les faire rougir...

Katarin est incrédule. Mais un peu plus tard dans la soirée, alors que tout le monde est devant la télé, elle se rend dans son jardin, enlève tous ses vêtements et exhibe sa nudité devant ses légumes... ... et elle continue à faire son petit manége pendant toute la semaine.

Le week-end suivant, Nikol l'interpelle :
- Alors, comment vont vos tomates?

Elle répond:
- Boa... Les tomates sont toujours pareilles. Par contre, les concombres...


An inebriated Irish guy was brought before the judge at the Valletta Courthouse. "You are charged with habitual drunkenness." the magistrate thundered. "Have you anything to offer in your defense?"
Came the slurred reply: "Habitual thirst, Your Honour."
Who enjoys sex more? Men or women?
Women, of course...!!!
Look at it this way: when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began the therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem." the Rabat doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...."
Mela dal-habib tieghi FURTUN kien joqghod bieb ma bieb ma mara fqira xiha akka, mghawga, tghix waheda fl-estate ta San Girgor, iz-Zejtun. Darba giet fl-ghaxija tard ghalih u talbitu biex jigi jghamlilha pjacir jara jistax jirrangalha d-dawl fil-kcina.

Peress li kien dalam sewwa, qalilha li jigi l-ghada fil-ghodu u jaqdiha. Sadattant Furtun talab il-habib tieghu li joqghod hdejhom stess biex flimkien imorru jirrangawlha d-dawl.

Dawna meta marru f'din il-kcina kollha nugrufun u ghanqbut u hmieg, bdew ix-xoghol minnufih. Allura waqt li kienu qeghdin jahdmu raw fuq xkaffa skutella mimlija lewz u fettlilhom jibdew jieklu wahda wahda minnhom li kwazi kieluh kollu. Tant hu hekk li thassbu bejniethom: "Issa kif se naghmlu; dik se tghid li kilnielha l-lewz kollu."

FURTUN qal lill-iehor: "Tibzax issa nghidulha li hadnih u ahna hekk jew hekk m'ahna se nohdulha xejn tax-xoghol."

Malli lestew qalulha: "KUNCETT hawn lestejnielek. Ara kemm gie sew."

Wara li irringrazzjathom hafna saqsiethom xi trid thallas. Huma wegbuha: "Le ahna ma rridu xejn.. pero' rridu nghidulek li kellek dak il-lewz fl-iskutella u nghidulek is-sewwa lewza lewza kilniehulek kollu."

U hi bhal speci hahqet ftit u qaltilhom: "Ara jahasra ma gara xejn b'daqshekk. Dawk kienu qeghdin hemm ghax it-tfal tieghi meta jigu jzuruni ihobbu jgibuli l-perlini peress li jafu li jien inhobbhom hafna u billi jiena m'ghandiex snin noqghod nerdaghhom u wara li nkun erdajt sewwa l-perlini nfaddal il-lewz u nerfaghhom f'dik l-iskutella.."

(LELI l-Ginwiz iz-Zejtuni)


At a Catholic School in Sliema.
Sister Angelika of the Blessed Virgin asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Carmen says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute."
Sister's eyes grow wide, and she barks, in shock: "What did you say?"
"A prostitute" Carmen repeats.
Sister breathes a sigh of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said Protestant."
Darba minnhom, dan il-kannibali jzur kannibali iehor f'lokalita' sigrieta Delimara. Kien hemm ghall-bejgh Maltin u Ghawdxin regulari ghal zewg liri l-gisem u pulitikanti ghal 100 lira l-gisem. Dal-kannibali isaqsi: "Da' kif! Ghalhiex il-pulitikanti huma daqshekk ghaljin?"
L-iehor iwiegeb: "M'hux facli, gbin, tnaddaf Pulitikant Malti!"
Un buceador Español se marevillaba de la belleza de un arrefice a 20 pies debajo de la superficie vecino a Ghar Lapsi…cuando observó a un hombre a igual prufundidad que ne usaba equipo de submarinismo. El buceador scendó otros 20 pies y unos minutos maá tarde el otro tipo apareciá en escena. Confuso el submarinista cogiá una pizarra impermeabile y escribiá: "Como diablos puedes aguantar tanto tiempo bajo el agua sin equipo?"
El tipo (un Maltes quien se arreglaba en español) cogiá la pizarra y un lapiz y garabateó: "Qed naghraq, cuc!... Me estoy ahogando, imbécile!"
Mela wiehed Malti miet u mar il- Purgatorju. Hemmek sab lil San Pietru (dejjem hu jehel miskin!) li kellu bicca xoghol x'jaghmel biex jaghzel u jqassam l- erwieh fi gruppi skond in- nazzjonalita taghhom.
Lil dan ir- ragel, Pietru staqsiegh minn fejn kien gej, u dan, kollu kburi qallu: "Jien Malti, man!". San Pietru bhal donnu ried jinfaqa' jidhak u dlonk qallu biex jimxi warajh biex jiehdu fil- kamra tal- Maltin.Quddiem il- bieb sabu anglu liebes maskra tal- ossignu u kif fethu l- bieb harget riha ta' hara taqsam.
Il- Malti qallu xil- madoffi hemm fil- kamra x' riha taqsam fiha? Qabez l- anglu u qallu:
"Mhux bilfors, BOSS! Jekk kull bassa li jbossu l-Maltin jiddedikawha lill- erwieh tal- purgatorju!!!"

(Hubert Debono)


At an unnamable hospital in Malta.
"I'm so worried," the nervous patient from Zejtun said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I heard on the radio about a Zabbarija who was in here because of heart trouble and she died of food poisoning."
"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he or she dies of heart trouble... Don't you worry!"

(Sent in by a Zejtuni from Sydney)


What's the main cause of death in Malta?
Birth!
"Smajtu dwar Zeppi minn Ghansielem, ragel ta' 85 sena li kien ser jizzewweg tfajla ta' tmintax-il sena? Allura, ftit qabel iz-zwieg dan ir-ragel mar ghand it-tabib biex jagmel "check up". It-tabib kien pjuttost inkwetat illi Zeppi kien ser jizzewweg tfajla tant izghar minnu u avzah illi jekk ikollu x'jaqsam sesswalment ma tfajla daqshekk zghira jista' ikun hemm perikli ta' sahha gravi hafna, li jistghu ukoll iwasslu ghall-mewt. Zeppi deher inkwetat hu haseb ftit dwar dak li qallu it-tabib imbaghad qal "Dott, jiena, f'hajti kont dejjem b'sahhti - xi trid taghmel?... Jekk ghandha tmut - tmut!!"

(Ian tal-Baleni)


Mela darba kien hemm Pawlu li wara gurnata xoghol kien sejjer biex jaqbad il-karozza tal-linja biex imur id-dar. Ftit qabel ma wasal fuq il-venda lemah li l-karozza kienet diga waslet u allura qabad jigri biex jilhaqha. Izda malli kien kwazi wasal, il-karozza telqet u tilifha. Allura qal "Issa nkompli nigri u naqbadha fuq il-venda li jmiss". Pawlu kompla jigri wara din il-karozza, imma kull darba li jkun ser jilhaqha, dik terga titlaq, sakemm fl-ahhar wasal id-dar! Kif wasal, dahal, jilheg daqs kelb, ghajjien mejjet, u mar fil-kcina fejn kien hemm il-mara issajjarlu, u qallha "Lanqas temmen xi grali llum. Grejt wara il-karozza tal-linja... u iffrankajt 'seven cents'!" Minnufih il-mara daret fuqu u denditlu daqqa ta' tagen f'nofs wiccu! Dak baqa' mbellah u nofsu stordut qal, "Ajma jahasra! ghaliex tajtieli dik id-daqqa?". "Li ma kontx injorant", irrispondietu l-mara, "imissek grejt wara taxi... kont tiffranka hames liri"!

(Nicky tal-gustizzja)


Dun Karm, qassis minn Hal-Qormi u Salvu, xufier ta' karozza fuq il-Linja tal-Mellieha, mietu l-istess jum u b'xortihom tajba it-tnejn spiccaw il-Genna.

Lydia (impjegata bhala usherette l-Genna) bjonda helwa f'mini-skirt hamrani, laqghat lil Salvu bi tbissima, poggietu fuq pultruna komodissma, u servitu refreshments komplimenti ta' San Pietru.

Cikku, usher xih akka (veteran il-genna) ibezzaq u jisghol, wera' lil Dun Karm siggu jzaqzaq ta' l-injam. Ghaxar minuti wara gablu ponn karawett biex jitrejjaq ftit.

Il-qassis ma riedx jemmen 'il-ghajnejh; "da' kif - beda jgedwed - semplici xufier hu trattat ferm ahjar minni.....!?"

Qam jara lil San Pietru. "Santita'", qallu "mhux ghax irrid ingerger, imma hemm xi zball... kif dak ix-xufier hu paxxut u trattat ahjar minni wara l-mijiet ta' prietki li ppritkajt hajti kollha?!"

"Reverendu" wiegbu mbissem San Pietru, "id-differenza hi li meta inti kont tippritka, il-fidili kienu jmorru jorqdu... waqt li meta x-xufier kien isuq, il-passiggieri kienu jroddu s-slaleb u jibdew jitolbu."


Wiehed xtara coat tal-polar bear ghal mara. Din bil-wicc tost kollu qaltlu : Issa trid tixtrili xkupilja biex innaddfu mit-trab, hmieg, baqq, ecc. Dan ta' kurnut mar go Plaza kbira biex isib din l-imbierka xkupilja. Wara sieg ha fil-kju' kien imissu hu. Tal-hanut mill-ewwel fehmu u saqsieh: issa, bie x inqabbillek l-ahjar xkupilja trid taghtini ftit dettalji ohra. Nghidu ahn a, x'tip ta'ors kien? Tal-Alaska, siberjan, Svalbardjan, Icelandic? Dan ma kienx jaf u cempel lill-mara jistaqsiha. Mar lura bir-risposta, qallu lix-x opowner Alaskan. Prosit, qallu dak, issa liem parti tal-Alaska, taf li kbir il-post: Anchorage, Juneau, Prince William Sound? Dan rega kkonsulta lil m artu telefonikament. Anchorage, qaltlu. Tal-hanut issa ried jaf jekk l-imbe rfil tal-kowt kienx lejn il-lemin, xellug jew bidirectional. Il-klijent kie n se jerga' jirrikorri ghand martu, meta dak li kien imissu warajh qallu: j importa tqabbizni wahda, habib, waqt li ccempel, jien oggett zghir irrid. Dak qallu:OK, u mar biex icempel.

Hu u jiddajalja lill-mara qaghad jinnota lil ta' warajh jikkonsulta max-xop owner: dan beda billi fetah xkora kbira u hareg maduma, tile tal-hajt, bicc a katusa, xugaman u vazett tal-gamm voluminuz b'kampjun ta' hara tghum fil- formalina. Wara dan kollu ghajjat lil mara u t-tifel, u kollha flimkien kix fu sormhom u wrewh lil tal-hanut. Dak l-imsejken klijent baqa' ssummat bit- telefon imwahhal ma' widnejh, waqt li sema' lill-iehor jitlob lil tal-hanut: "Issa qabbilli roll toilet paper, xbin!"

(PASTAZUN MILL-FGURA)


What's the sharpest thing in the Mediterranean?
A Maltese fart! It goes through pants without making a hole :-)
At the University Lab at Tal-Qroqq.
What did one rat say to the other?
"I've got Prof. Scicluna so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack."
Dan SALVU ta' 52 sena minn Hal-Balzan kien izzewweg 'l ESTER ta' 30 sena minn Hal-Lija. Wara snin ta' zwieg felici, Salvu kellu attakk tal-qalb. It-tabib wissieh biex jaqta' s-sess ghal kollox. Allura ddecidew li hu jorqod isfel u hija torqod fuq.
Wara ftit gimghat, lejl minnhom, Salvu qataghha li l-hajja minghajr sess mhux ta min jghixha. U erhilha tiela' t-tarag.... Jiltaqa' ma Ester niezla u jghidilha: "Kont tiela' hdejk biex immut". Ester tinfaqa tidhak u tghidlu: "Jien niezla biex noqtlok!"
This blonde from Sliema, upon being given two dozen roses says: "I'll guess I'll be spending the next two weeks flat on my back with my legs in the air." Her girl-friend from Qormi says: "Oh! Don't you have a vase?"
Grupp ta' vampiri mejtin bil-ghatx ghal qatra demm iltaqghu gol-club taghhom f'Kemmuna. Wiehed minnhom ma felahx jissaporti aktar u telaq ifittex xi persuna jew annimal f'hiex seta' ideffes in-nejbiet kbar tieghu u jirda' naqra demm.
Wara xi siegha,il-vampiri shabu rawh gej mill-boghod b'wiccu u hwejjgu kollha mcappsin bid-demm. Dlonk mar siehbu fuqu u kollu ecitat staqsiegh:" Min fejn sibtu dak id-demm kollu ja ffurtunat?"
L-iehor qallu: "Ha nghidlek Man, qieghed tarah dak it-torri?"
"Iva,iva!!" irrispondieh fuq ix-xwiek.
"Dik is-sigra li hemm hdejn it-torri qed tarha?" rega' staqsieh.
"Iva,iva,iva!!" rega' wiegbu aktar ecitat minn qabel,"qed narha,qed narha!!"
" Imma jien ma' rajthiex!!!"

(HUBERT DEBONO)


Fil-kju ghad tal-pastizzi. Meta kien imissni ghedtlu: "Aghmilli 99 pastizz." Tal-pastizzi hares lejja u "ghal wiehed hu 100," qalli. "X'inhu? Mitt pastizz??? Kemm hsibtni hanzir?!" ghedtlu.

(JOE AZZOPARDI)


Iz-zarbun f'diskussjoni maz-zobb Xlukkajr beda jelenka l-hajja nejjieka li jrid jghaddi minnha, sejjer..."Int sew, hemm fuq, imdendel u mxahxah, u jien hawn, hafna pressjoni fuqi, kultant nirfes xi harja, imqatta' minn kullimkien, daqqiet ta' sieq, peduni jintnu u kallijiet", ecc ecc. Iz-zobb ma felahx aktar u nfaqa' jidghi "Xi trid tghid, jien hawn, hafna gharaq idur mieghi, naghmel hafna mill-hin maghluq fid-dlam, imbaghad xi kultant johorguni, iferfruni tnejn, jaghtuni fuq rasi. Imma l-aghar huwa meta jdahhluni go sqaq dejjaq, u jibdew ideffsuni u johorguni bl-addocc, hafna zlieg u ghajjat u qabel jaqilghuli l-istonku ma jiqfux.

(L-ORS)


Wahda mgissma Zejtunija imma misthija marret taghmel checkup ghand it-tabib, imma tant kienet tisthi illi bdiet tahsibha tinzax.
It-tabib zieghel hafna biha: "Sinjorina, jiena bniedem professjonali. Affarijiet bhal dawn huma hwejjeg ta' kuljum ghalija. Bhalek ikolli hafna. Isa...kuragg".
Imma ma riditx taf.
"Ara ha nghidlek x'naghmlu, sinjorina" qalilha t-tabib, "tridx ninvistak fid-dlam, u hekk ma jkollokx ghalfejn tisthi"
"Okay, dott" qaltlu, u tfew. Nezghet.
Wara ftit: "Fejn se npoggihom il-hwejjeg, tabib?"
Lehen it-tabib fid-dlam: "Fuq dan is-siggu, sinjorina... hdejn tieghi!"

(L-ORS)


Wiehed pazjent minn Kercem imur ghand it-tabib, u t-tabib jordnalu suppozitorji. Misthi l-pazjent jghidlu "Dawn kif nehodhom" u t-tabib biex jehles jghidlu, "Eh, iva, dawk applikahom fl-anus". Il-pazjent imhawwad imur id-dar, jghid lill-mara, "ara x'tani t-tabib... qalli napplikahom fl-anus" "X'jigifieri?" "Ma nafx" qallha, u dik mghaddba qaltlu "Mela erga' mur saqsih, l-ghoxx". Dak hekk ghamel, u t-tabib laqghu u spjegalu "Iva, hi, dawk tirritenihom fir-rectum almenu 20 minutes". Aktar imhawwad, il-pazjent rega' rrikorra ghand martu. U din regghet bghatitu...it-tabib kien se jitlef sabru, imma rega fehmu "Ara, sieheb, dawk trid tintroducihom fit-tarf tal-musrana l-kbira". Issa mghaddab il-pazjent mar ghand martu, qallha, "Isma' rega qalli kif imma ma fhimtux. Issa mhux se nerga' mmur ghax zgur se jibghatni ndahhalhom f'sormi!"

(IKLINIZ)


Adolf Hitler miet u ruhu waslet bieb il-genna, fejn waqqfu Sidna Gesu Kristu (Pietru kien bis-sick). "Yes?" qallu Kristu.
"Jiena Hitler u nixtieq nidhol il-genna" wiegbu l-Fuhrer.
"Hallina, man! Ma tarax, ha ndahhal lilek il-genna!"
"Ara" qallu Hitler minn taht l-ilsien, "jekk iddahhalni naghtik l-Iron Cross"
Kristu ghogbitu l-ideja, imma ttituba u qallu:
"Ara, zomm ha nkellem wahda lic-Chief"
Dahal gewwa u mar jghid lill-Missier Etern. Dan kif sema' bil-bicca nfexx jidhaq kemm jiflah.
"Iva x'gara, Pa!" staqsih imhawwad Kristu, "Dad-dahq kollu..."
"Ma tarax, ibni" qallu l-Missier jimsah id-dmugh minn ghajnejh,"u int b'salib ta' l-injam waqajt tliet darbiet, ahseb u ara b'wiehed tal-hadid!"

(IKLINIZ)


Patri mir-Rabat qed jitpaxxa jara xena trankwilla fi gnien ta'parruccana: mara rieqda serenament, it-tifla tilghab mal-kelb fil-lawn. Il-patri jsejjah lit-tifla, jsaqsiha isimha u hi tirrispondi "Rosemary...Rose ghax meta twilidt kien zmien ir-roses, u Mary b'devot ion ghal Virgin Mary". Il-patri orgazmat haseb "Splendid, xi hlew, kieku kulhadd kien hekk pur" u kompla jistaqsiha "U d-doggy, id-doggy x'jismu" It-tifla kienet pront qaltlu "Porky, ghax ihobb jahxi l-hniezer!"

(IKLINIZ)


There was an old party from Lyme
Who married 3 wives at a time
When asked why a third
He replied one's absurd
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!

A thrifty young fellow from Shoreham
Made brown-paper trousers and wore'em
He looked nice and neat
Till he bent in the street
To pick up a pin, then he tore'em!

(DIONYSIUS)


A young Gozitan lad comes to malta for the first time, when he lands on Malta at the Cirkewwa Ferry stage he gets a Taxi (A Mercedes). While they are driving along the Taxi driver tells the lad about Malta.

The young lad notices the Mercedes badge on the front of the bonnet and asks the driver "What is that for" The driver replies "That is the aiming sight I use to shoot at things"

Anyway arriving at the top of the hill before descending into Mellieha Bay two speed cops are sighted standing with their motorbikes needless to say minding their own business and observing the traffic, as they usually do. When the Taxi driver says "Look I will show you how my aimer works" so he swerved in the direction of the speed cops.

Suddenly he hears a loud bang and looks in his rear mirror very much to his surprise sees both speed cops and bike disapearing down the cliff.

"You see" said the Gozitan lad "if it was not for me opening the door you would have missed them both.

(ROGER STRICKLAND)


Furjaniz ghaddej fit-triq il-Belt, jiltaqa' ma siehbu jgorr pataflun kotba. Sorpriz jistaqsi lill-istudjuz:
"Ara, mela qed taghtiha ghall-qari issa?",
"Iva", wiegeb l-iehor, "qed nistudja l-logika"
"Xi tkun din?", saqsa tal-ewwel.
L-iehor qaghad jahseb ftit imbaghad qallu: "Ha nispjegalek b'ezercizzju interattiv: Inti ghandek akkwarjum?"
"Iva"
"U f'hiex iffakkrek l-akkwarjum?"
"Heqq, il-hut, fl-ilma, il-bahar..."
"Tajjeb, prosit, x'iktar..."
"...fis-sajf, fit-turisti, hheeehh fin-nisa'"
"Bravu...dik hi l-logika. Caw", u rhielha 'l hemm.
Dak l-iehor issumma, dahal fl-ewwel hanut tal-kotba, u battallu l-ixkafef mit-titli ta'Descartes, Newton u Russell. Iffissa bil-kbir u fi ftit xhur kien sar dabbler qawwi fil-logika, tant li kienu jistiednuh anke jaghti lekcers f'istituzzjonijiet prestigjuzi tal-hsieb modern madwar id-dinja. Mela xi sentejn wara l-ewwel inkontru dan tat-tieni jkun ghaddej fit-triq mitluf fil-hsieb, b'mazz kotba taht dirghajgh u jahbat ma wiehed ilu ma jarah. Dak qallu "Ojj, x'int taqra sabih?" Xott, xott dak wiegbu "Fuq il-logika"
"Din xi tkun?"
L-iehor haseb ftit u qallu "Ehhh...xjenza kbira, tghidx kemm jien intiz fiha, mhux bi ftahir imma nit qies awtorita' mondjali fil-qasam tieghi"
"Per ezempju?" ittantah l-iehor
"U jien naf, nghidu ahna, ma nafx: inti ghandek akkwarjum?"
"Le" qallu dak
"Mela inti omosesswali", u bewweg 'l hemm.....

(FGAJJAR)


Il-Lone Ranger waqt li fid-Mojave waqaf jipporga ma'kaktu. Mela ma johrogx rattle snake u jigdmu L-imsejken ghajjat lil siehbu Tonto: "Igri Tonto, gidimni rattler, sib tabib ha jghini". Tonto hekk ghamel. It-tabib qarras wiccu: qallu "L-unika haga li tahdem hu li ssib il-gidma, tqabbad halqek maghha u terda bis-sahha. Jew hekk jew tmut" Tonto mar lura, sab lir-ranger u saqsieh" Urini l-gidma" u l-iehor misthi kixef il-peni minfuh bozza, waqt li saqsieh:"Isa Tonto, x'qallek it-tabib", u Tonto rrisponda: "Lone Ranger, it-tabib qallek li se tmut"
Gharbi riekeb gemel gieh bzonn jiggratigika l-bzonn sesswali u pprova mal-gemel. Pero' d-diskrepanzi anatomici ta' bejn il-hlejjaq irrikjeda li r-ragel jigi bil-girja rrankat u jipprova jahtaf il-gemel minn wara. Imma dan il-gemel brukkun beda jersaqlu ezatt fl-ahhar. Pass wara pass waslu go oazi fejn ir-ragel frustrat sema' twerziq ghall- ajjut u jara mara mgissma qed teghreq f'ghadira ilma. Qabez ghaliha u salvaha. Din fil-ferh qaltlu: "Issa tista' taghmel li trid bijja", fil-pront qalla "Ejja zommli l-gemel biex ma jiggennibx!"

(ZABBARI)


        1.  Kien hemm ragel gustus minn Gelmus
            Illi kollox kien jghamel ghal flus
            Sema' li l-pufti zdiedu
            u li warranitu riedu
            Ghalhekk sormu fethu karus.

        2.  Kemm hi helwa Sabrina Buttigieg!
            Li qatt ma riedet taf bi zwieg
            Izda ltaqghat ma" Gob
            Li ntroducielha iz-zobb
            Missierha qed igemma ghat-tieg.

        3.  Ragel xih dejjem mejjet ghal qatra
            Li kien ilaqqat kuljum fis-satra
            Bela' gallun f'nofs ta' lejl
            Ghax ma zamx qies tal-kejl
            Izda spicca biex rebah imhatra. 

        4.  Tfajla helwa darba marret kuncert
            Ghax il-muzika thobb kienet bic-cert
            Muzicista "on the look out"
            Dlonk daqqilha il-flawt
            Tat-trobbija din saret espert.           

        5.  There was an old man from Qrendi
            Who really believed he was trendy
            He tried with a dame
            But it never came
            O hell! He forgot he was seventy!

        6.  There was a lady from Shanghai
            More often than not she was high
            She seduced a young lad
            Convincing him she was bad
            And he duly gave her many a sigh

        7.  Haxxej kbir mill-Parlament
            Mohhu kien li jghix kuntent
            Sab tfajla wiaq shuna
            Sabiha u gidmejmuna
            Izda gismu mank ghamel muviment

        8.  Qattajt siegha nhabbel rasi ghalxejn
            Nipprova nghazel bejn dawn it-tnejn
            Tax-xellug hi blondija
            Tal-lemin samranija
            Spiccajt fl-ahhar nghabbihom it-tnejn.

        9.  There was a man from South Africa
            Who was much addicted to paprika
            He rubbed some on his tool
            What a bloody bastard fool!
            His tool turned into a swastika!

       10.  Kien hemm anzjan minn Bardan
            Li ghas-sess kien dejjem herqan
            Ipprova jahxi l-Madam
            Izda gismu le qam
            U spicca, miskin, wisq ghatxan.

       11.  There was a young lady from Jersey
            Well-known for being sex-crazy
            She seduced an elephant
            That's unique, you'll grant
            And she ended up in a frenzy.

       12.  Ragel qsajjar gej minn Hal Qormi
            mohhu biex idejjaqli sormi
            Darba tellaghhomli
            Ghax qabadhomli
            B'daqqa ta' sieq bghattu Wied Gorni

	    (QROQQJAN)

Lill-psikjatra ghedtlu: "Dott haqq anna jien tghidx kemm sirt nitkellem hazin. Haqq anna l-kliem pastaz johrogli u ghalxejn haqq anna nipprova nzommhom. Dott, tista' tghidli haqq anna x'nista' naghmel?"

Il-psikjatra qalli li minn dak il-hin se jibda jiccargjani lira ta' kull 'haqq anna' li nghid. Qalli li f'minuta zgarrajt erba' darbiet u talabni Lm4. Tajtu Lm5 u ma kellux bqija. Ghedtlu: "Haqq anna, zommha...

(JOE AZZOPARDI)


What did this guy from Rabat say to his bride on their honeymoon?
"Mahbuba, stand back... I don't know how big this thing grows!"
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered in Malta and Gozo.

On the menu of a Mellieha restaurant:
--- Our wines leave nothing to hope for!

Outside a Valletta tailor shop:
--- Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Sliema dry-cleaners:
--- Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside an Ghar id-Dud dress shop:
--- Dresses for street walking.

In a St. Julian's elevator:
--- You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a Victoria, Gozo, tailor shop:
--- Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In a Marsalforn hotel:
--- The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In an Mqabba church:
--- It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

At a 'Karrozin' stand:
--- Take a horse-driven tour - we guarantee no miscarriages.

In a Birzebbuga laundry:
--- Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a St. Paul's Bay hotel:
--- Because of the impropriety of entertaining guest of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In the office of an Ghajnsielem doctor:
--- Specialist in women and other diseases.


"Miskin" qalet sinjura twajba lit-tallab, "Nisthajjel li hu terribbli tkun maghtub. Imma ahseb ftit kemm kont thun aghar kieku kont ghama." "Ghandek ragun Sinjura! Meta kont ghama kienu jtuni liri foloz."
L-operator ta' l-Emergenza ta' l-Isptar San Luqa rcieva telefonata urgenti minn mara li qalet li t-tifel taghha bela' pinna.
"Orrajt! Se nibghat ambulanza minnufih. X'qed taghmel sadattant?" "Qed nuza lapis!"
Seksik = dak li dik tghid dwar dak ghax qal dwar dik li qaltlu dwar l-iehor li qal dak li qal ghax qaltlu l-ohra!!!
Why do Maltese men pass gas more than Maltese women?
(Time up!)
Because Maltese women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure!
Turist Malti fi zjara Spanja, dahal f'ristorant Barcelona ghad-dinner u talab l-ispecjalita tax-chef. Meta l-platt wasal, saqsa 'l-wejter x'tip ta' laham kellu fil-platt.
"Senor, dawk COJONES", wiegbu mbissem il-wejter.
"X'inhuma!? Koho...???" esklama l'Malti.
"Senor, dawk it-testikli tat-toro li gie maqtul illum fil-corrida".
Il-Malti daq il-laham u sabu delizzjuz. L-ghada rega' mar fl-istess ristorant u ordna l-istess platt. Wara l-ikla, l-Malti ikkummenta mal-wejter: "Il-cojones li kilt illum kienu hafna izghar minn tal-bierah!"
"Ghandek ragun Senor" qallu l-wejter " taf inti, it-toro mhux dejjem jitlef hu...!".
Hamruniz dahal l-isptar San Luqa ghal amputazzjoni. L-ghodwa wara l-operazzjoni, it-tabib qajmu bil-mod u qallu: "Ghandi ahbar tajba u ahbar hazina".
"X'inhi l-ahbar hazina?" saqsih mugugh il-Hamruniz.
"Qtajnielek bi zball ir-rigel it-tajjeb... jigifieri issa tinsab bla riglejn".
"Oh le le... Alla hanin! X'inhi l-ahbar tajba?"
"Ir-ragel fis-sodda ta'hdejk jixtieq jixtri s-slippers tieghek."
Marij u Censa, zewg nisa Ghaxqin ta certa eta, fl-ewwel zjara taghhom l-Amerka. Raw HOT DOG stand. Mistaghgbin skantaw: "Mela dawn l-Amerikani jieklu l-klieb!? Dawn bcejjec!"
"Ejja, Cens, induquhom". Xtraw tnejn. Marij fethet il-bun u wara harsa skantata, saqsiet 'l siehba: "Liema bicca mill-kelb ghandek?"
Stejjer tal-Pulizija meta bbukkjaw sewwieqa nisa:

Turista Amerikana Ghar id-Dud:
"Was I driving fast?"
Pulizija: "Driving?!&*^%$... I will charge you for flying low, Ms!"

Furjaniza: "Uff! Mghaggla Officer! X'ghamilt wrong?"
Pulizija: "Sinjurina, kont ghaddejja bis-60 fis-siegha."
Furjaniza: "Impossible, Officer! L'anqas ili 15 minutes li hrigt mid-dar."

Pulizija: "Miss, jekk joghgbok uza l-mera! Hadd m'ghallmek tuza l-mera?"
Miss: "What! Have I smudged my mascara?"

Pulizija: "Allura Miss Vella, tista tghidli kif hbatt mal-karozza tas-Sinjur?"
Miss Vella: "Dan is-Sinjur kien quddiemi u beda jaghmel l-indicator li se jdur mal-lemin..."
Pulizija: "Allura?"
Miss Vella: "U fil-fatt, hu dar mal-lemin!"
Pulizija: "?!@#$%^&*....?!"


Ir-Regina rceviet il-President Malti u waqt li kienu sejrin lura fil-karruzzella migbuda miz-zwiemel, wiehed miz-zwiemel telaq wahda...!
Ir-Regina mbarrazzata qaltlu; "Oh, I'm so sorry!" Il-President wiegeb: "Oh!... I thought it was the horse!"
Ghaliex l-irgiel Ghawdxin jhallu jikbru l-mustacci?
Ghax iridu jixbhu 'l ommhom!
Kif iddejjaq guvnott minn tas-Sliema?
a) Rodd is-salib 5 darbiet qabel tixrob x'joffrilek.
b) Tbissem il-hin kollu minghajr ma tlissen kelma.
c) Kull minuta bl-arlogg, hokk taht abtek u bnadi ohra anatomici.
d) Tfewwaq tlitt darbiet f'wiccu.
"Ahbar tajba u ahbar hazina" qal l-avukat lil-klijent ikkundannat ghall-mewt.
"L-ahbar hazina hi li, minkejja kollox, ghada ma tlugh ix-xemx se jelektrokkjutjawk."
"Alla hanin!!! Mela x'inhi l-ahbar tajba?"
"Irrangajtlek li jnaqqsulek il-voltagg."
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