WARNING: This section is not for the
in a sense of humor nor for persons who are easily offended by politically
incorrect material. If you are this type of person, please
PARENTS: some of the following jokes may not be suitable reading for
Heard a good funny Maltese one lately? Jokes, limericks,
with a Maltese or Gozitan slant are most welcome. E-mail submissions
Please put 'Humor' on Subject line.
WARNING: This section is not for the
in a sense of humor nor for persons who are easily offended by politically
incorrect material. If you are this type of person, please
PARENTS: some of the following jokes may not be suitable reading for
PARENTS: some of the following jokes may not be suitable reading for children.
Anyway they pushed the guy with 10 Pounds in first and the job was done in 10 minutes. When he came out his mates ran up to him asking what he got, and the he said " It was worth every minute of it mate!!.She played with my Dick for 5 minutes and then she slipped a Pineapple ring around it and ate it off.!"
The guy with 20 Pounds went in and was out after 15 minutes. His mate with 30 Pounds eagerly asked him what he got, and he replied, " Mate, what an experience!!. She played with my old fellow for a while then she slipped 2 Pineapple rings around it and ate them off."
The last one did not waste any time and went in, but he was out after
7 minutes. His mates ran up to him asking why he was out in such a short
time. And he replied," I got my money's worth, she played with my donger for
a while then she slipped 3 Pineapple rings around it, filled the gaps with
whipped cream and topped it up with a cherry, it looked so good I ate it
(Submitted by David Buttigieg)
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.
He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she'd come and pick me up from school."
Dmewh sa xerred imme bid-dehk....
Rizzi gebt bumli xkura tal-patuta tal-25 kilo,emminni gebt iktar minn 50 jew 60 tuzzuna,kijf wasalt il-munxur kienu kwuzii s-sitte u nofs u kijf nizzelt saqajja ga l-ilme hessejt qalbi bejn snieni daqs kemm kien kieseh,imme minhebbe it-tifle ma qaght inqijs xejn u ntfajt,mite gejt biex nitla l-ixkura kienet tqila wesq u emmini ma batajtx narfa l-vura l-kbire milli dik l-ixkura rizzi, spallti taqqbitili kullha. Is-sabijha hi dijn,xhijn il-mara rut duk ir-rizzi kullu ceplet lit-tifle u lil mara tat-tifel,insumma f`inqas minn kwarta kienu id-dur,is-sultu nhur ta`Hedd taghmilli l-brudu u mghamlitewx ghax qaltli nieklu ir-rizzi,biex ma noqghodx intawwal kif suru l-hdux u nofs qbadt inkissru u kien mimli ta bully,jien inkisser u hume jieklu u ma hellewlejx wahde u kelli nikkuntente bicce hops bit-tonn taz-zejt, xejn ma ddispjecini tu ghax fteht zewg fliexken inbit Psaila made qabbat il-pipe u kont qisni l-genne minbarra l-ugijh ta`spallti...
Toghbok sijap dijn l-isturja?
(Leli ta' Keterin)
Dr. Fenech-BuTigieg was so smitten with his lovely if naive young Irish patient, that he just knew he had to have her. Telling her that he needed to take her temperature, he took his dick in hand and slipped it inside her. Just then, her boy friend walked in. "Hey!" he yelled. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor muttered, "Taking your sick wife's temperature, of course." The girl's boy friend grabbed a scalpel from the cabinet. "Okay, Fenech," he said. "But when you pull that thing out, there damn well better be numbers on it!"
"Nunc, mi filia," ait Petrus postquam nomen eius in libro caelesti
"habesne aliquid desiderium?"
"Ita," respondet femina, "maritum meum Alfredum re vera denuo videre cupio!"
"Videamus nunc," ait Petrus, "utrum Alfredus noster apud beatos in caelo est vel non," et incipit in libris caelestibus nomen mariti eius quaerere.
"Hmm, res aliquantula mirabilis," inquit Petrus posteaquam nomen ibi non invenit. "Sed Indices Speciales habemus, et fortasse illic eum inveniam." Sed neque ibi nomen repperit, et paulo tristis Petrus nunc Diabolum per telephonium cellularium vocat et eum rogat utrum Alfredus apud damnatos esse.
"Minime!" ait Lucifer, "et in libris generalibus et in specialibus iam inspexi et nusquam Alfredum tuum invenire possum, mi Petre!"
Nunc est Petrus re vera perturbatus et denuo ad feminam accedit et eam rogat quid maritus eius cum vixisset fecerat.
"Per viginti quinque annos," respondet femina, "Alfredus meus exactor
"Eheu!" clamat Petrus, "nunc mysterium enodare possum, mea filia, quia nothi furciferique illi nullam animam habent!!"
L-ewwel wiehel qallhom li se jaghtiha gizirana tad-djamanti u xall.
staqsewh "Xall ukoll? ghaliex?"
Wegibhom, "Biex jekk ma' toghgobhiex il-gizirana tilbes ix-xall fuqha!"
It-tieni wiehed qallhom li se jaghtiha brazzuletta tad-deheb u par
U l-ohrajn staqsewh "Par ingwanti? ghalfejn?"
U l-iehor wegibhom, "biex jekk ma' toghgobhiex il-brazzuletta, fil-kas tilbes l-ingwanti fuqha!"
It-tielet wiehed qallhom li se jaghtiha kappell u vibrator. L-ohrajn
"Iva," wegibhom, "Vibrator..biex jekk ma' joghgobhiex il-kappell fil-kas tmur tinhexa!!"
(Pastazuna minn ?!)
Hudulha ritratt bil-hwejjeg ta' taht,
Lestulha tebut, ha tfittex itmut,
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. "I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister.
"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
D'un côté, il a de la chance, parce que son perroquet est très prolixe: Il n'arrête pas de parler.
D'un autre côté, il est vraiment embêté, car tous les mots qui sortent du bec du perroquet ne sont que jurons et vulgarités.
Un jour, l'homme en a plus qu'assez. Il attrape son perroquet à la gorge, le secoue très fort et lui hurle "ARRÊTE AVEC TES JURONS".
Malheureusement, cela ne fait qu'exciter le perroquet qui se met à jurer de plus belle.
Alors le gars prend l'oiseau et l'enferme dans un placard.
Mais là encore, ça ne fait qu'énerver son perroquet qui lui balance un monceau d'insanités.
Alors le gars est tellement hors de lui qu'il prend le perroquet et l'enferme dans le réfrigérateur. Et là comme par miracle, le perroquet se calme.
Au bout de quelques minutes, le gars ressort son perroquet du frigo...
Calmement, le perroquet monte sur son bras et dit: "Je suis terriblement désolé pour tous les désagréments que je vous ai causés."
Le gars n'en revient pas. Son perroquet est totalement transformé...
C'est à ce moment là que le perroquet ajoute:
"Juste pour savoir, qu'est-ce que le poulet avait fait?"
The phone starts ringing again and the American guy presses his molar tooth and starts chatting away. The others look at him bewildered and ask him what is going on. He says..well guys..my phone is implanted in my teeth and when I'm in the Sauna I can be free to talk..and that's the latest american technology.
..and for the third time the phone rings again. This time, the Maltese guy, gets up, squats in a corner, and starts pushing and panting. The others got offened at this since they thought that he was going to defecate right in the sauna, and they told him, hey, where do you think you are? This is a sauna and not a public convenience. Please go and crap elsewhere. To this the Maltese replied "Wait a moment because a fax is coming out! And that is Maltese technology!!"
L-omm bhal speci ghogbitha l-idea u x'hin marret id-dar iddecidiet li taghmel l-istess bhal bintha. F'kemm ili nghidlek nezghet kollox u qaghdet bis-sabar kollu tistenna lil zewgha jasal lura d-dar.
X'hin wasal ir-ragel id-dar xejn ma skanta kif sab lil martu minghajr ilbies u staqsieha x'gara. Din wegbithu li riedet tistennieh bil- libsa tat-twelid. Ir-ragel pront pront wegibha.."stajt almenu ghaddejtha"
(Eine Zeitunische Weltbummlerin)
Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.'
An hour later the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.'
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, 'If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.'
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.
"Nice paint color", says the man, "Where do you want me to put the blinds?".
IL-POEMA TA' DUN PAWL CASHA MULA Katarina ta' l-imtiehen f'nofs ta lejl hassitu diehel qaltli "Pawlu dan xi jkun? filli rieqed filli jqum?" Jien ghidt "dak l-arblu tar-razza ittih tnejn u tilma tazza dik persuntu tpaxxi l-ghajnejn nitfaghhulek naqsmek tnejn" Qaltli "pawlu nixtieq nipprova imma fih riha ta ncova" jien ghidtilha "lanqas jimporta, kemm int kerha qishek torta" "Ejja Pawl dahhlu sal-bajd halli ndur dahri mal-hajt imma skossja u tini pjacir halli nhossa m'oxxi ttir" "ahh Katrina x'gost ittini, qed inhossa ser tigini, kemm inhossni ferjan, anki zobbi sar arqan" "Anki int ragel tal genn, x'ras ghandu ostja man! u kif gibtli oxxi hara inti veru ttiha gost mara" "Katarina !! wasslet sewwa x'gost qed niehu ndahhlu gewwa ara gejja ha ntajjara, u ma halqek infarfara" "Iftah halqek ha tilqa kollox erdaghhuli bil-bajd b'kollox. ghandek ragun tghid li hu kbir ghax flok tazza mlejt barmil" "Grazzi Katarina, tassew fik gost toqghodx tghid kemm jiena tost nergghu niltaqghu bhal-lum 8'ijiem ha nerdghalek kullimkien" "Iva Pawl, halli f'idejja niehdu nejka bhal tal-lejla izda qabel iddahhlu gewwa, jekk joghgbok, tista tahslu sewwa?" (#$%@^!?? :-)
"Dun, il-kelb ghaziz tieghi, Fabju hallina, miskin. Tista’ taghmilli quddiesa ghalih?"
Il-Kappillan skantat, wiegeb: "Jiddispjacini Pawl bil-mewt tal-kelb tieghek. Imma sfortunament ma nistghux naghmlu quddies ghall-annimali fil-knisja. Pero’ jekk titla’ sal-Belt, hemm knisja protestanta u ghandu mnejn jaghmlulek xi haga."
"Immur issa stess" wiegeb Pawlu, "Tahseb li mitt lira ikunu bizzejjed ghas-servizz?"
Minnufih il-Kappillan: "Ghax m’ghidtlix li l-kelb kien Kattolku?!"
On a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a young nun had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nun ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the sister ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the sister strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, these nuns won't let me fart."
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again...
Ya' know...there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.
He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have i done? Must have been a wild party".
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "If there's a God, please let this be a teabag"
Cui uxor: Ita est deliciae meae, et tantum abhinc quinquaginta annos hic quoque sedebamus et sicut hodie ientaculo fruebamur.
"Bene scio," ait vetus, "et sine dubio illo tempore et nudi eramus et amore usti"
Cui uxor: Eheu, mellitus meus, cur non ipsa facimus et denuo nos denudamus?
Et sic cito subridentesque vetus ac vetula sibi vestimentas detraxerunt et more Adae et Evae ad tabulam iterum sederunt.
Fere exanimata et passione anhelans dicit uxor suo marito: Dulcissime, nemo negare potest quin vetula sit, sed urunt meae papillae tam fervide quam quinquaginta annos abhinc.
"Non miror, mea lux," respondet senex, "quia iam mamillam unam in caffea alteramque in avena immersisti!!"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won 40 million pounds in this damn UK lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a great idea! What is that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived in Valletta, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a
Iuvenis doctrix quae scholas habebat in academia quadam dixit in principio suis discipulis res quae necessariae essent ad cursum bene solvendum. "Primum probationem scriptam facietis," inquit illa, "deinde opusculum quinquaginta paginarum aut amplius scribendum est. Et re vera si hoc opusculum non scribetis cursum non solvetis. Nullam excusationem accipiam nisi duas, (a) si gravi morbo aflicti eritis--quod medicus confirmare debet, et (b) si aut pater aut mater aut frater sororve animam efflent".
Ut adsolet discipulus quidam qui se sapientem esse jactabat iuvenem doctricem rogat utrum tertiam excusationem tam validam quam antedictas non accipiendam esse, id est, cum discipulus omnino defessus esse permagnae exercitationis sexualis causa?
Post discipuli omnes riserant purgavit iuvenis doctrix gutturem et subridens hoc modo respondit: "Nunc mi iuvencule, si hoc tibi accideat igitur opusculum altera debebis manu scribere!"
-- Tu parles Francais?
-- Do you speak English?
-- Of course!
-- Y espanol?
-- Como no!
-- Und Yiddish?
-- Nu? Mit ein solche Nase, was denkst du!?
-- U bil-Multi?
-- Mur hudu f'sor......
This young priest fresh from the Seminary at Tal-Virtu', gets sent to save souls at a tough downtown area. The first time he goes out, this hooker yells: "Hey Father, want a little head? Thirty liri and I'll take you to heaven."
Naive guy! He gets back to the parish church; he asks a couple of sisters: "Hey sisters, what is head?"
They reply: "Thirty liri same as downtown!"
This other priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says: "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks her if he can kiss her. She replies: "Well, allright, as long as you don't get into the habit."
Ghaliex Alla halaq lil Adam l-ewwel?
Halli jkun jista jiftah halqu u jghid xi haga qabel ma titfacca Eva.
X'qal Alla wara li Eva hadet l-ewwel banju fil-bahar?
Haqq ix-xjaten... issa qatt ma se jirnexxili nnehhi dik ir-rieha mill-hut!
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to the rectory and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Oh Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male and exclaims,
"Put the beads away, Our prayers have been answered!!!"
He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,"Oh Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstacy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."
" On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
Jghidu li hafna snin ilu, fir-rahal zghir ta Hal Safi, il kapillan kien kburi li il parrokkjani kienu kolla nies ta mgieba ezemplari, hlief Pullu il kaccatur, li ghall kull haga ta xejn tisimighu jitkellem baxx kif gie gie. Ghal xejn kien iwissih u jippriedka, ghax Pullu lanqas biss tghaddi siegha li tisimghu iffajjar xi "Haqq ghaz-zobb!"
Darba minnhom il kapillan stieden lil Pullu biex imorru ghall kacca flimkien, bil hsieb li jigbidlu l-attenzjoni u jsikktu ma kull wahda li jzarrat forsi fl-ahhar idarrih.
Ftit hin wara li waslu fl-ghalqa, jaraw ghasfur ghaddej fl-gholi, Pullu jiehu il mira u jfaqqalu zewg tiri.....ghall xejn....
"Haqq ghaz zobb, ma lqattux!!!" Zarrata Pullu ...... Il kappillan kien lest jaqbez fuqu w siktu. " Da xi kliem hu Pull? Ara kif titkellem ghax hazin ikun ghalik!."
Ma lahqitx ghaddiet siegha li ma jarawx ghasfur iehor...... rega ha l-mira.... zewg tiri..... ghall xejn " Ara haqq ghaz zobb, ma lqattux!!!" Rega fajjara Pullu bla ma hasibha darbtejn.
Hawnhekk il kapillan bdiet taqbizlu .... "PULLU! Ga wissejtek darba.... mhux se nerga nsikktek darb'ohra !! Jekk terga tizgarra nitlob l-Alla jtik li haqqek!!"
Pullu ma tantx ta kasu; kien jaf li l-kappillan daqsxejn ifissat izzejjed. Ftit hin wara, jaraw ghasfur iehor ghaddej jigri bhall lehha ta berqa, Pullu kien pront u fajjarlu tir...... Imma rega ma laqatx..... "Haqq ghaz zobb ma lqattux!" Regghet harbitlu Pullu.
Hawnhekk il kappillan intilef..... nizel gharkubbtejh u beda jitlob biex
Pullu jiehu li haqqu. F'daqqa wahda telgha shab griz iswed, u minn shaba
baxxa hafna faqqghet sajjetta kbira, laqtet lil povru kappillan u
ghamlitu rmiet. Pullu baqa mbikkem meta sema lehen mis shaba jidwi "
HAQQ GHAZ ZOBB MA LQATTUX!!!!!"
(IRC - SQUALO)
The archpriest gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second and third time and then turns to John and says:
"See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!"
John replies, "Well, that's fine, Father. But I can't bring her over
here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Zewgt irgiel (li ma kienux jafu l'xulxin) kienu qeghdin jitkellmu fuq l-elezzjoni.
Ragel1 : Allura sieheb , lil min ser taghti l-vot tieghek din id-darba?
Ragel2 : M'hemm l'ebda dubju , jien ser nivvota Nazzjonalisti. U ghax wara kollox hemm certu tradizzjoni fil-familja ... Missieri kien Nazzjonalist u nannuwi wkoll ...
Ragel1 (li mid-dehra kien Laburist u ried jikkonvincieh jivvota Labour): Skuzani imma x'ragunament hu dan ? Allura jekk nannuk kien halliel u missierek ukoll int x'kont taghmel ?
Ragel2 : F'dak il-kaz kont nivvota Labour !!
(M. Ar-Cus J.)
(June 4, 1998)
Kif sema hekk dar fuqha u qalla, " Mela int hsibtni xi Plumber!!" Hekk kif kien sejjer daret fuqu u qaltlu, "Peter inqatet il-bozza tal-Linfa"
Dlonk dar fuqha u qalla , "Mela hsibtni electician!!"
Fil-hamsa ta` fl-ghaxija Peter gie lura mix- xoghol u jsib il- bozza mibdula u l-vit tal-kcina mibdul.
Peter staqsa lil Mary u din qaltlu, "Mela kien hemm Joe ta` hdejna gie u ghamilhomli miskin. X`hin lesta imbaghad ghidtlu xi jrid tax-xoghol u qalli. 'JEW TAGHMILLI GATEAUX JEW ITTINI NEJKA ??????'
Dlonk Peter kuntent kuntent qalla, "mela int ghamiltlu gateaux????"
Qabzet Mary, u qaltlu, " MELA INT HSIBTNI XI DULCIERA"
State of the land The country was in such a terrible state, Parliament rose for a budget debate, It was quite a few moments before Alfred spoke When he said “sex will cost ten quid a poke” Whether you are short , long or skinny or thick, The tax will be paid on the use of your prick, Lino Spiteri said “now Alfred, look here, Will the tax still be paid for the boys who are queer? Sciberras Trigona arose looking glum, “will I be exempt coz I only like bum?” Alfred replied and sounded quite airy “You’ll f***ing pay double you dirty old fairy!” So up stood Eddie to tremendous applause, He grabbed Helena Dalli, and whipped off her drawers He straddled across her and f***ed he at will Then shouted to Alfred “put that on your bill” Gavin Gulia shouted “I think I’ll resign” I haven’t had pussy for a very long time, I dream every night of a big juicy crotch, But ten quid a jump is a bit f***ing much The debate carried on, “oh what a night Alfred was bonking every woman in sight The whole house was screwing, the speaker was too And in the excitement the dumb bill went through So now in the bedrrroms of Malta each night There’s many a fanny closed up good and tight They’re taxing our water, our light and our smokes And now these same bastards are taxing our pokes If ten pounds a time is the price we must pay, It is with ourselves that we no have to play, So to quench our frustration, we must have a wank For the state of the country, we have Alfred to thank (M-Arcus)
A week later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an arrangement with one of the sailors." She explained. "He's taking me to Italy, and every night he came and screwed me." "He sure did lady!" Said the captain. "This is the Gozo ferry"
In days of old when Knights were bold .... well, those were the days when Mananni wore this large black dress which exposed only her head, hands and feet! But alas, nothing else was available in her wardrobe. Those were the days when Salvu's favourite pastime was usually after sunset, practising his marriage vows inside that large black dress!
Talking about vows, Mananni had a habit of making frequent vows, mainly to the Madonna of Mellieha. When their thirteenth child survived a serious fever Mananni had vowed to walk barefoot to Mellieha. So one sunny morning off they went Mananni on foot and Salvu on his mule-drawn cart. It was a beastly hot day in July and by the time they reached Victoria Lines, Salvu sheltered under his "rizzi hat", Mananni was feeling the sun beating on her brow like a blow lamp. Having left her "faldetta" behind, her only option was to raise the hem of her dress and bring it over from the back to cover her head. Only as she drew it closer and closer to protect her forehead she unwittingly reavealed a little more than her legs. As Salvu trundled along, bringing up the rear he was rather aghast at the sight of Mananni's bare bottom plodding along ahead. Many saintly soul was thus lured into what seemed to become a pilgrimage to Mellieha. Having survived the trip and the visitation to Our Lady in Mellieha, Salvu and Mananni shared the bumpy cart ride home.
Mananni eventually broke the silence: "see how you call me odd because of
my vows; all those people joining us on the route, were they srange
"Not strange at all" said Salvu "all that those were interested in was your wiggling, bare bottom! you only made a fool of yourself, including me"
"WHAT!" said Mananni "and you idiot riding behind me didn't tell me," lashing out at her dumb husband.
"How would I know what vow you made!" blurted Salvu, fending off the blows.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call maintenance - we're going to need a mop and bucket.
Come back with that right now! Bad dog, bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that, uh.........thingie.
Where's my Rolex?
Fejn hu l-pastizz tieghi?
Darn, there goes the power again.
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hey, this guy's got two ya know!
Nobody move - I just lost one of my contacts.
Ghax ma tmurx taghtas x'imkien iehor!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's distracting me, big time.
What's THIS doing here?
I hate it when I can't find what I'm looking for!
Min telaq dil-WAHDA!? Pifffff!!!
Well folks, there's always a first time for everything!
This patient already has some kids, right?
Not to worry, I know it's sharp enough.
Nurse, this patient did sign an organ donor card, right?
Crap! Page 47 of this procedure seems to be missing!
Le psy répond:
- Hmmm, je vois ce que c'est. Et votre cheval, c'est un mâle ou une femelle?
- Femelle bien sûr! Vous me prenez pour un pervers ou quoi?!
Il-povru barbier inqabad bix-xoghol, u f'xis-sitta ta' filghaxija kien ghadu ghaddej bla nifs.Fil-pront dahal Fredu u saqsih jekk jaqtalghux xahru malajr ghax kellu l-parlament. Il-barbier bir-rawgha f'halqu dar fuqu w qallu "Issa z-zejjed kollu zejjed, jekk trid halliha hawn u ghaddi ghaliha wara l-parlament" !!
Un beau jour, elle aborde Nikol qui était en train de
lui demande comment il fait pour avoir d'aussi belles tomates.
Le voisin lui répond:
- Ben, je leur donne de l'engrais, je les arrose, et avant de quitter le potager, je baisse mon pantalon et je leur montre mes parties génitales... ça a l'air de les faire rougir...
Katarin est incrédule. Mais un peu plus tard dans la soirée, alors que tout le monde est devant la télé, elle se rend dans son jardin, enlève tous ses vêtements et exhibe sa nudité devant ses légumes... ... et elle continue à faire son petit manége pendant toute la semaine.
Le week-end suivant, Nikol l'interpelle :
- Alors, comment vont vos tomates?
- Boa... Les tomates sont toujours pareilles. Par contre, les concombres...
Peress li kien dalam sewwa, qalilha li jigi l-ghada fil-ghodu u jaqdiha. Sadattant Furtun talab il-habib tieghu li joqghod hdejhom stess biex flimkien imorru jirrangawlha d-dawl.
Dawna meta marru f'din il-kcina kollha nugrufun u ghanqbut u hmieg, bdew ix-xoghol minnufih. Allura waqt li kienu qeghdin jahdmu raw fuq xkaffa skutella mimlija lewz u fettlilhom jibdew jieklu wahda wahda minnhom li kwazi kieluh kollu. Tant hu hekk li thassbu bejniethom: "Issa kif se naghmlu; dik se tghid li kilnielha l-lewz kollu."
FURTUN qal lill-iehor: "Tibzax issa nghidulha li hadnih u ahna hekk jew hekk m'ahna se nohdulha xejn tax-xoghol."
Malli lestew qalulha: "KUNCETT hawn lestejnielek. Ara kemm gie sew."
Wara li irringrazzjathom hafna saqsiethom xi trid thallas. Huma wegbuha: "Le ahna ma rridu xejn.. pero' rridu nghidulek li kellek dak il-lewz fl-iskutella u nghidulek is-sewwa lewza lewza kilniehulek kollu."
U hi bhal speci hahqet ftit u qaltilhom: "Ara jahasra ma gara xejn b'daqshekk. Dawk kienu qeghdin hemm ghax it-tfal tieghi meta jigu jzuruni ihobbu jgibuli l-perlini peress li jafu li jien inhobbhom hafna u billi jiena m'ghandiex snin noqghod nerdaghhom u wara li nkun erdajt sewwa l-perlini nfaddal il-lewz u nerfaghhom f'dik l-iskutella.."
(LELI l-Ginwiz iz-Zejtuni)
(Sent in by a Zejtuni from Sydney)
Lydia (impjegata bhala usherette l-Genna) bjonda helwa f'mini-skirt hamrani, laqghat lil Salvu bi tbissima, poggietu fuq pultruna komodissma, u servitu refreshments komplimenti ta' San Pietru.
Cikku, usher xih akka (veteran il-genna) ibezzaq u jisghol, wera' lil Dun Karm siggu jzaqzaq ta' l-injam. Ghaxar minuti wara gablu ponn karawett biex jitrejjaq ftit.
Il-qassis ma riedx jemmen 'il-ghajnejh; "da' kif - beda jgedwed - semplici xufier hu trattat ferm ahjar minni.....!?"
Qam jara lil San Pietru. "Santita'", qallu "mhux ghax irrid ingerger, imma hemm xi zball... kif dak ix-xufier hu paxxut u trattat ahjar minni wara l-mijiet ta' prietki li ppritkajt hajti kollha?!"
"Reverendu" wiegbu mbissem San Pietru, "id-differenza hi li meta inti kont tippritka, il-fidili kienu jmorru jorqdu... waqt li meta x-xufier kien isuq, il-passiggieri kienu jroddu s-slaleb u jibdew jitolbu."
Hu u jiddajalja lill-mara qaghad jinnota lil ta' warajh jikkonsulta max-xop owner: dan beda billi fetah xkora kbira u hareg maduma, tile tal-hajt, bicc a katusa, xugaman u vazett tal-gamm voluminuz b'kampjun ta' hara tghum fil- formalina. Wara dan kollu ghajjat lil mara u t-tifel, u kollha flimkien kix fu sormhom u wrewh lil tal-hanut. Dak l-imsejken klijent baqa' ssummat bit- telefon imwahhal ma' widnejh, waqt li sema' lill-iehor jitlob lil tal-hanut: "Issa qabbilli roll toilet paper, xbin!"
A thrifty young fellow from Shoreham
Made brown-paper trousers and wore'em
He looked nice and neat
Till he bent in the street
To pick up a pin, then he tore'em!
The young lad notices the Mercedes badge on the front of the bonnet and asks the driver "What is that for" The driver replies "That is the aiming sight I use to shoot at things"
Anyway arriving at the top of the hill before descending into Mellieha Bay two speed cops are sighted standing with their motorbikes needless to say minding their own business and observing the traffic, as they usually do. When the Taxi driver says "Look I will show you how my aimer works" so he swerved in the direction of the speed cops.
Suddenly he hears a loud bang and looks in his rear mirror very much to his surprise sees both speed cops and bike disapearing down the cliff.
"You see" said the Gozitan lad "if it was not for me opening the door you would have missed them both.
1. Kien hemm ragel gustus minn Gelmus Illi kollox kien jghamel ghal flus Sema' li l-pufti zdiedu u li warranitu riedu Ghalhekk sormu fethu karus. 2. Kemm hi helwa Sabrina Buttigieg! Li qatt ma riedet taf bi zwieg Izda ltaqghat ma" Gob Li ntroducielha iz-zobb Missierha qed igemma ghat-tieg. 3. Ragel xih dejjem mejjet ghal qatra Li kien ilaqqat kuljum fis-satra Bela' gallun f'nofs ta' lejl Ghax ma zamx qies tal-kejl Izda spicca biex rebah imhatra. 4. Tfajla helwa darba marret kuncert Ghax il-muzika thobb kienet bic-cert Muzicista "on the look out" Dlonk daqqilha il-flawt Tat-trobbija din saret espert. 5. There was an old man from Qrendi Who really believed he was trendy He tried with a dame But it never came O hell! He forgot he was seventy! 6. There was a lady from Shanghai More often than not she was high She seduced a young lad Convincing him she was bad And he duly gave her many a sigh 7. Haxxej kbir mill-Parlament Mohhu kien li jghix kuntent Sab tfajla wiaq shuna Sabiha u gidmejmuna Izda gismu mank ghamel muviment 8. Qattajt siegha nhabbel rasi ghalxejn Nipprova nghazel bejn dawn it-tnejn Tax-xellug hi blondija Tal-lemin samranija Spiccajt fl-ahhar nghabbihom it-tnejn. 9. There was a man from South Africa Who was much addicted to paprika He rubbed some on his tool What a bloody bastard fool! His tool turned into a swastika! 10. Kien hemm anzjan minn Bardan Li ghas-sess kien dejjem herqan Ipprova jahxi l-Madam Izda gismu le qam U spicca, miskin, wisq ghatxan. 11. There was a young lady from Jersey Well-known for being sex-crazy She seduced an elephant That's unique, you'll grant And she ended up in a frenzy. 12. Ragel qsajjar gej minn Hal Qormi mohhu biex idejjaqli sormi Darba tellaghhomli Ghax qabadhomli B'daqqa ta' sieq bghattu Wied Gorni (QROQQJAN)
Il-psikjatra qalli li minn dak il-hin se jibda jiccargjani lira ta' kull 'haqq anna' li nghid. Qalli li f'minuta zgarrajt erba' darbiet u talabni Lm4. Tajtu Lm5 u ma kellux bqija. Ghedtlu: "Haqq anna, zommha...
On the menu of a Mellieha restaurant:
--- Our wines leave nothing to hope for!
Outside a Valletta tailor shop:
--- Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Sliema dry-cleaners:
--- Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside an Ghar id-Dud dress shop:
--- Dresses for street walking.
In a St. Julian's elevator:
--- You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In a Victoria, Gozo, tailor shop:
--- Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
In a Marsalforn hotel:
--- The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In an Mqabba church:
--- It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
At a 'Karrozin' stand:
--- Take a horse-driven tour - we guarantee no miscarriages.
In a Birzebbuga laundry:
--- Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a St. Paul's Bay hotel:
--- Because of the impropriety of entertaining guest of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In the office of an Ghajnsielem doctor:
--- Specialist in women and other diseases.
Turista Amerikana Ghar id-Dud:
"Was I driving fast?"
Pulizija: "Driving?!&*^%$... I will charge you for flying low, Ms!"
Furjaniza: "Uff! Mghaggla Officer! X'ghamilt wrong?"
Pulizija: "Sinjurina, kont ghaddejja bis-60 fis-siegha."
Furjaniza: "Impossible, Officer! L'anqas ili 15 minutes li hrigt mid-dar."
Pulizija: "Miss, jekk joghgbok uza l-mera! Hadd m'ghallmek tuza
Miss: "What! Have I smudged my mascara?"
Pulizija: "Allura Miss Vella, tista tghidli kif hbatt mal-karozza
Miss Vella: "Dan is-Sinjur kien quddiemi u beda jaghmel l-indicator li se jdur mal-lemin..."
Miss Vella: "U fil-fatt, hu dar mal-lemin!"